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"Smiles are like bandaids. They cover up the pain, but it still hurts."
Sunday, 17 April 2011 @ 01:04 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
 I'm scared. Like really scared. I don't know what's happened to me, lately. I know I'm just falling apart. So, my night was really freaked out. I didn't get any sleep, so I'm in a zombie-like state today. Well, it was 3:20am, and after going for a bathroom break, I just broke down crying. It just spontaneously happened. Now, that's not so worrying, as I cry WAY too much right now (though no one but myself knows), and I was crying over what a failure of a life i heve, and i was thinking that the world would be a MUCH better place without me being a burden on everyone. I was just thinking negatvie things in general (i wont mention them here, it'd take forever...) But the one thing that stuck to me was the realization that all i do is talk myself up, and really, i never achieve anything. I don't deserve a good life. I don't deserve to have a life. Mind you, this was at 3:30AM, god freaking tired, crying. And just depressed as hell. THEN i got really paranoid. I felt that I couldn't go anywhere without getting judged, even in my own home. I thought about running away, and physically, I wanted to runaway. I couldn't stand being at home. But i got scared that wherever I go, people are going to judge me, and that they're all going to see what a let-down I am. I got really really really scared of what people judge me by. I didn't even know if i was able to leave my room today. I began thinking that my family were either: serial killers (my dad), or stalkers (my mum and auntie). Every abuse that my family has hurled on me in the past came rushing back, and I just sat there, rocking back and forth, scared to death of what the day would bring. My mum went to China today, for a few days, so at least I think im safe from her stalking, but i still look behind my every step to make sure she's not watching. GAH all these voices in my head are driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do. |
