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holy shit.
Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 05:07 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
my metabolism is totally dead.and i just realised.>< Intake: Breakfast: 1/2 bowl oatmeal (50) Lunch: 1 thin strip carrot (1), 1 stick cucumber (1), rice(100) , shrimp (30) and 2 strawberries (8) Dinner: lima beans (50), rice (100) TOTAL 340? i thought rice was more than that? but then again, it was wrapped sushi-like. Outtake: this is real shitty, but today it was raining, so yeahh...i know thats no excuse, but i was FORBIDDEN. -walking (230) - rushing to get home (90) - school (400) + my basal metabolic rate is something like, 1282 per day. but the problem is, with all the junk listed above that i've eaten today, i'm not going to lose any weight. i probably put on. but then again, i HAVE to at least maintain my weight this week when i go to see the doctors on tuesday; FUCK them. and here is my rant: FUCK the doctors; THEY don't know ANYTHING about my background, or how i was ALWAYS underweight, and putting me above 45kg (*faints at huge number*) is RISKY for my emotional health!!! even above 43kg will cause me to have meltdowns, as i have demonstrated in the past ... more on that later. BUT yes, they just HAVE to make my goal weight some ridculously high 45kg (at least!?!?!? coz thats the LOWEST "healthy" weight). i'm so close to that HUGE amount, and they STILL wont allow me to do school sport?!?!? thats is so fucking unfair. but i AM doing sport, at least outside of school, but it won't give me the boost i need to get to my UGW. and somehow, on top of all that, i need to hide this from EVERYONE. my parents, my "friends", and most definitely the DOCTORS. but how will i do that? i honestly have no idea. at the doctors' weigh in, i'm only dressed in one of those horribly thin hospital gowns, and i also get bladder-scanned after that. so how would i hide the fact that i could be losing? the lower weight i go, there is more chance of readmittance, and more chance i won't even be allowed to go to school :( Note: i've been water-loading these past few times, but it didn't seem to have helped, as i still lost ::) *silently congratulate myself on progress to UGW* however, it signifies i still have a whole lot to lose, and i can't do that with everyone breathing down my neck all the time. ARGHHHHH!!!! kill me already. |
