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Whew! In two days...(long post)
Wednesday, 23 March 2011 @ 15:09 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
     So from Monday to Wednesday, I have (in no particular order):
Been sick. I caught some sort of a cold on Friday, and eversince I was (and still am) sick. Runny nose, bad cough, streaming eyes, sorescratchy throat, the works. Had fever on Saturday-Sunday. And I went to thedoctors … 3 times. Well, one of them was my ED doctor, but STILL…she commentedon it. Gained a fucking load of weight. Yes I did. I’m such a fucking failure. I’m so closeto my high weight, it’s not funny. Well, I am….44.7kg!!! *dies* I’m trying to put it in perspective, but WTF –44.7kg from 43.8kg…in 5 days!!!!! … Okay, I can’t even focus on that one. I can’ttake it…. WHY WHY???? Got partially diagnosed with depression. My psychologist (who I saw on Tuesday, said that“in light of recent events, as well as long term effects, that I need to see apsychiatrist for depression, and get some meds for it”. We didn’t go on toomuch about the topic, but she referred to my self-harm and “sad, hopeless”feelings (all the time!) as well as insomnia, being socially withdrawn….yeah. Itell my psych everything…about me(socially, anyway). So she is referring me to a psychiatrist for meds andstuff. She also gave me tips to try to get to sleep, but it’s not working yet.Ah wells. Need to go to ultrasound. Okay, so this one is kinda weird, but when I saw myED doctor on Tuesday, she was examining me, and she found a “lump” just abovemy hipbone (which by the way, are disappearing fast!), and she wasn’t sure ofwhat it was, coz when she pressed it, it hurt like hell. So she booked me infor an ultrasound – in a suburb far away, meaning I have to get out of thehouse by 6:30 to get there at 8, So, I went there today, and, when I didn’t followthe instructions properly (well, I didn’t know! – they never told me I had todrink at LEAST an hour beforehand, I was just drinking, like normally, evenwith a fucking sore throat), my mum and I had to wait another 4 hours, for themto sort out everything, and STILL my bladder wasn’t full enough to start theultrasound…in the beginning, after drinking 1 litre of water, I only had 50mls.That’s just weird. So I waited…and waited…and waited… Well, the bad thing was, I woke up feeling groggy(as I had one hour of sleep in total) and just SO sick. I couldn’t talk, Icould hardly keep my head from drooping, and I felt so dizzy. And no, it wasn’tthe lack of food (I unintentionally fasted for 18 hours for the ultrasound) – Iwas just sick (and I was really quite dizzy from sitting in the car for almost2 hours – I sometimes get car sick) So whilst I waited, and felt worse andlooked worse by the minute, my mum was acting like an idiot, saying shit aboutme not eating, and how “oh, you look so pale, and your lips are white”…. WELL.I WAS SICK. So in the end, I just left the building, to do itanother day, that’s how bad I felt. My mum rushed me to the doctors (AGAIN) anddemanded I take a complete check-up. Overreaction, much? Everything felt betteras soon as I stepped into the doctor’s clinic (great, what a good time to dothat, so there’s nothing “wrong” with you – I just want something to be “wrong”with me…so I won’t have to eat.) So I got the all-clear, and was sent home. I’mgoing to be taking the ultrasound on Friday, so I’ll have another fast then…:P Had a confrontation with one of my former "friends" Well, J, the girl who said long ago, that I wasn’tas “skinny” as my school thinspiration, just went up to me on Tuesday and justconfronted me about what’s going on with me. I wasn’t feeling at all well thatday, and besides, I had such a depressing time at the doctors earlier on in theday, where I learnt so many new things about myself (and none of them are good things),so I really wasn’t feeling up for a confrontation. Anyways, she said that Ihave “changed” and how I was a social outcast. Well, yeah, no one likes me, howdo you expect I feel? She noticed my cuts and scars too, and when I wouldn’ttell her about it, she got all defensive and patronising. I don’t need a friendlike that, I’m not sorry for acting strange and evasive to her – I know shecares, but just at this moment, I don’t really WANT anyone to care about me. Did cross country So my time was 4:04 for one kilometre. Next week, I’llbe doing, 1.5km, but I want to improve on my time. Sigh im so slow. At leastthe consolation is there that I did better than last year. I’m not the slowest (6:00),nor am I the fastest (3:16), but I WANT to be the fastest, So my busy few days…I don’t know what to thinkabout all this. I cant concentrate on anything long enough anymore. Okay. Off to do my homework! Xx |
