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Its November = new start.
Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 23:54 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
I will reach my goal this month. No more procrastinating on anything. No more "fine, just one more bite.".No more. No more. Say yes to thinness. Say hello to gap between the thighs. Say yes to running, even if i look like a dork with my heavy backpack on my back. Say no to the doctors. Say no to food. Halloween.
@ 04:35 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Happy Halloween!I'm just going to post my intake for Halloween: It's pretty good compared to the last few days. B: - L: rice (200), brocoli (10) D: apple Outtake: 1.5 hours of walking 4hours of assorted singing + dancing like a crazy maniac :) the last few days were shit.
Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 04:42 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
today was the worst. this has got to be a short update, since ive got yearlys to study for.B: 1/3 oatmeal (40) L: 2/3 pasta shells (200 - overestimating), one boiled prawn (5) D: rice (250), tiny bit of fish (50), one carrot (5) S: i was forced to eat a green tea cake. at my youth group. Grrr. It was 9:30pm. Now its 10pm and im freaking out. (like 200?) TOTAL: argh im seeing too many 200 cal foods!!! 750 OMG thats way too much!!! Outtake was okay though: 3 hours walking with heavy backpack 1 hour ballroom dancing Thursday: B: 1/2 oatmeal(50) L: rice (50), carrot (5), one asparagus (5) D: - total: 110 :D one of the best days ever! Outtake for that day was good too: 1 hour walking with my heavy backpack i cant report on the other days. They suck too much. About 500 cals per day. This sucks so much compared to how i was doing before. I need to get back on track. I need to. Its not a matter of want, anymore. Its a need. And it starts NOW. totally lousy, but it is "needed".
Tuesday, 26 October 2010 @ 01:33 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
im not even going to tell you how badly ive done, it'll just bring you down, but over the past few days, ive been plateau-ing. At an even 42.2kg. No change at all. It sucks, but at least the bloating id got from hospital has gone down, and my stomach is a tiny bit flatter than it was when i was in hospital.I feel dead. I want to be dead. Tonight was the worst. I wasnt going to eat dinner, after all that ive resolved to do. And failed. It was because it was either:a) not have dinner, and be not allowed to go to school, and have phone taken away, as well as forced to eat the next day; b) eat some dinner and go to school and keep phone. It was a no-win situation. I chose (b) and ate some dinner. But i did go overboard on the rice. It was just how i liked it - cold. My dinner was COLD. So, i finished my rice, and had one tomato. That was my dinner. An estimated 300 calories. Intake for today: Breakfast: 1/2 oatmeal (50) Lunch: one piece of wholemeal bread >.< with nothing (100) Dinner: one bowl of rice (, one tomato Total: well im discharged ...
Saturday, 23 October 2010 @ 04:14 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yeah im dicharged ... After 18 days in that hell hole. Here is my point of view from what has happened:i went for a checkup on Tuesday 5th October. I was 40.5kg and loving it - it mayn't have been as low as i wanted it, but i was reasonably happy with my progress with everyone still on my back all the time. My medical doctor said that, "at this rate, if you continue like this, you will be readmitted." my reaction? No big. I will get to MY goal weight before i am happy, and THEN ill think about recovery (or not). I felt pure, and light - for once. I was cleared for another week, before i had to see them again.Then i had to see the 'mental' part of the therapy. The doctor there wasnt even the specialist ... And since home life has been crappy ( or good depending on how you think about it ) i was getting readmitted to work on a new treatment plan, and to "make sure you are stable". WTF!!?!??! If my medical doctor cleared me, then how come i still have to be readmitted? Under a 'mental' doctor? Apparently so, and my I.D. Bracelet has my 'mental' doctor's name on it. I was downright miserable. I was not medically unstable, and everything was normal, for me, at least. I had just gotten my period for that month, and everything seemed fine. Even then, the dieticians started me on meal plan 1A, which is like 800cals, spaced over 3 meals, and 3 snacks. They procedded to move me up meals plans per day(like +300-500cals each time), so by the next weigh-in, i was on meal plan 4. It was Friday, and all i had done since admssion was eat, sleep, and study. I wasnt allowed to do anything else. No one had really come to see me, not any of the doctors, and not my family, either. I didnt really want to see them, anyway. The only person that came to see me was my supportive counsellor, and psychologist. She very kindly explained about why i was doing in hospital, even thouh she wholly supported the idea that it will be a short admission. It suprised me to know that, even eating much much more in hospital, i still lost 1.05kg IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS!!! My weight was 39.45kg, tand this only added to my conviction that i should not be in hospital. I was also getting overnight feeds of arouund 200 cals per night. There was something exciting to me that i could have that much junk( it was a lot of bread in the meal plans), and still lose weight. However, that shifted, as i rapidly gained weight over the next week. I will skip the boring parts, of me eating day in, day out, and tell you about my weekend, which i got leave. I struggled with eating, period. I had to eat well, or else i wasnt going to get a short admission. In the last few hours of my leave, i got fed up, and literally ran away from home. I didnt get very far, only to the end of my really long street, before my dad drove up and made me go back (i was allowed to walk back, however). I was scared that this was going to jeopardise my stay in hospital. It didnt matter, coz i still gained 200g. The doctors on the team were aiming for 1kg+ per week on the program, with around 4000cals. Overall, during my 18 day stay, i gained 1.7kg, but they keep telling me it should have been around 3kg (if i hadnt lost 1kg in the first three days). So my current known weight is 42.2kg. Yes its bad, and my measurements have swollen so much, because all the weight is either liquid, or fat. And basically that just sits on the body the same way, so it bulges. Gross.Im going to have to keep this 'recovery' going, at least, to fake it, for a few weeks, but i reckon i can keep maintaining, or losing a tiny bit, until next tuesday, when i next have a doctors appointment. If i have gained, then its straight back to exercise, restriction, and secrets. If i have lost, then still restrict, but not as much, coz then itll be less of a shock if i continue losing. If i have maintained, then treat it as a gain, and exercise, and restrict. I know its not going to improve my chances of admission, but i think the weight is just liquid weight, so itll be easy losing it - and with some restriction, itll help keep my parents off my back too. I will not recover from this until i feel i have hit rock bottom, and that will be when i have died, or is going to die. I have no symptoms of that yet, and so, i will not recover.Intake for my failed today:Breakfast: -Lunch: rice (180), half an egg (50)Dinner: rice (150), fish (50), vegetables -bok choy and carrot (50)Total: around 500Outtake: - 30mins walking (50)- will do situps and crunches (80)Net total: 370Weekends are always dud days, where i sit and eat. However, when i get back to school, there will be alot more walking, and (hopefully) less eating.je deteste moi
Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 23:04 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
this will be a short update, since im only on weekend leave from the hospital inpatient program. Its only been a week and a half, and judging by looks, i've put on at least 10kg - my hips are swamped in fat, my thighs touch more than ever, and i have a jelly belly. However, according to the scales, ive put on 1.3kg since admission; that is not possible. They are aiming for 1kg per week, and my 'healthy' weight is 45kg. It means i am really close to that weight, and it scares me that i cant do anything about it. The dietician is pushing for me to hit 55kg sometime in the future, before i can go and do sport; or at least thats the impression im getting from her. The first time i saw the dietician after admission, the first thing she said to me was: 'i really think you need to put on weight.'. Now, medically, everything is stable; but in order to get out of hospital, i have to go through a program. I was starting on meal plan 1, which is the lowest, and have to work up to meal plan 7. On meal plan 1 - 6, you also get a nasal-gastric tube to feed overnight. Not only is it uncomfortable, it is also horrendous to look at. Everything depends according to your weight and observations. But this admission was not fair at all. I was NOT terribly underweight, nor was i medically unstable; however, i was more mind-controlled by my lovely ED, but that wasnt a medical factor. I moved to meal plan 7 in 10days and was able to get the tube out. Now im hoping for discharge within the next week, and this time i will make sure i will not go back to hospital!!! No, recovery is not an option for me, as it has been proved in my case that nothing will go in my favour for recovery. So its more secrets for me!! Joy...The most weird thing i found out since admission is that, in the first three days of admission, where i would have about 1000 calorie days (and nights of 200cals), i lost over 1kg (2.5lbs) in three days!!!! That was more junk in my body for at least a year, and i still lost more weight?!!!? It told me that it proved that the program of gaining weight was not going to work for me, as i lost more weight in hospital than out of it. But it was wrong to think that, coz in the next few days after that, i put on about 1kg. So it sort of evens out, apparently. I just hope that when i get discharged., i can still continue my calorie restrictions, because i know that getting recovery in hospital is not going to work - infact it makes my ED (Ana) much stronger ;)i know you girls are much better at hiding this than i am. Im just a worthless fatty who deserves to stay fat, and deserves her punishment of hospital where you swell up like a balloon on foods like cake and ice cream.Much love,xoxo,anna~readmission
Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 14:44 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Readmission sucks like hell. My blood test results and blood pressure and heart rate were just fine; i just don't get why i had to be readmitted. Im posting from my phone, so its not going to be very often i can comment or blog about my day. And since i had the nasal-gastric tube in, as well, it really sucks.i think im there...
Monday, 4 October 2010 @ 00:04 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
YES!!! I think im there. I think i made it to 40kg/88lbs!!! Since my scale at home is stuffed up, i don't know if it's accurate or not. My mum gave me back the scales and the wiifit after I bugged her for AGES. HAHA i proved to myself that things CAN go my way too. :) However, I can't go on wiifit, since now, the balance board is back, but the game's gone! Erk ... so frustrating. LOL, I think on my wiifit, even with a bmi of 15-16 is still considered "healthy". I LOVE the wii fit! Well, I used to love it more, before my mum hid it.I'll update again later, but tonight will be hard, since it's my mum's b'day, and we have to have noodles (as a tradition). I'll stick to the lowest calorie things though. PS: i've found out how to post bulk pictures now!!! Here's a new batch of thinspo that I need so badly at the moment!                     triumphant? return.
Sunday, 3 October 2010 @ 02:20 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
well I am back from the Gold Coast, where it was supposed to be sunny. Instead half the trip we were sitting on our asses in a taxi, because it was raining.I'll shall copy this post directly from my journal, since that pretty much summed it up. Mind you, this comes from a pretty active girl (or so I thought) during the school week. Okay, brace yourselves for a long post.Monday 27th Sept. 2010 GOLD COAST: DAY ONE - SEAWORLD  Flew from Sydney at 8:45, meaning we were at the airport at freaking 6 o'clock. WAY too early, since i only got to bed at about 2AM. Felt gross on the plane, which was 2 hours. We actually finished checking in at 7:45AM, (coz my fam misjudged the time), and we SAT ON OUR ASSES FOR THE NEXT HOUR + THE TWO HOURS ON THE PLANE. The only thing good about the plane was that we boarded from the stairs, like how the celebrities board the plane >>>After the plane, we had more SITTING ON OUR ASSES = taxi to hotel = 30 minutes. However it wasn't check-in time, so we wandered to the shops looking around. Fortunately, THAT was a walk. We got a super early lunch (it was 11:00AM for goodness sakes!), and it was at an Italian restuarant. I am mortally afraid of Italian restaurants. I think it was the amount of food they serve. I was proved correct, but fortunately i only ordered a garden salad. However, it was HUGE. If i wanted to, i could've survived 3 days on that amount. In the end, i only ate about 1/8 of it, which was mostly cucumber. :D So, at 1PM we dumped our stuff back into the hotel (after checking-in) and went to Seaworld. After MORE SITTING ON OUR ASSES in a taxi, we saw the many different attractions that Seaworld boasts of. We ended up seeing the sea lion show and the dolphin show ONLY. How lame. My fam go all the way to the Gold Coast, and on the first day, only watch two shows. We didn't even get a chance to go on any rides the first day.However, I had time to go swimming at the hotel afterwards. :) Back to the hotel, we had a really early dinner (since it was mostly waiting for the food to arrive) i got a wild mushroom and asparagus risotto (haha no meat). Again, when it came out it was HUGE, and i only was able to eat about 1/8 of the rice, and most of the tiny portion of mushrooms and asparagus. Seriously? it was mostly rice. UGH. Anyways, that was my boring first day at the Gold Coast. Tuesday 28th Sept. 2010 GOLD COAST: DAY TWO - MOVIEWORLD Rain. Traffic Jam. Rain. Congestion. Rain. Gridlock. Totally ruined my day. Yes we went movieworld, but only after 2 hours of taxiing, trying to find my contact lenses' remover thingy. It wasn't my fault really, that it wasn't there, since my MUM forgot to bring it, but as usual, decided to pin the blame on me. So after searching in numerous shopping centers around the suburbs, (before finding only one optometrist who could help) my sister got fed up with me, and literally shouted the house down to yell at me. What a great way to start the day, But good thing with breakfast! I only had a small plate of watermelon/rockmelon, and two tablespoons of scrambled eggs (which was watery, for some reason). When we finally got to movieworld, mum wanted happy snaps, ie PICTURES. So we took some "happy snaps" (that weren't very happy) and wandered around the themepark for a while. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! They had a Harry Potter shop!!!!! Note: I am an avid Harry Potter fanatic. People in my class at school have been known to shied away from me when I mention Harry Potter. I am SO EXCITED to see the new movie, coming on November 19 (well, in Australia it is November 19)!!! Unfortunately, the HarryPotter Shop wasn't open til one o'clock, so my fam - being the ever-so-focused-on-food people they are - decided to get lunch, Luckily, since my dad knew there was going to be fast food there, and i obviously was not going to eat it, he "very nicely" prepared a salad for me, consisting of a cucumber (sliced), carrots (sliced), and strawberries. There was also tuna in the salad, but i didn't touch it. No tuna for me. In the end, I only went on one ride, since soon after we finished lunch, it was pouring rain. Really suddeny and really heavily too. I hate rain when it interferes with my daily schedule. I so wanted to go on a rollercoaster, but since it was raining, and lightning too, i couldn't. Oh wells. When we left MovieWorld, it was still raining heavily, and on top of that, the traffic was terrible! It normally would take us 30 minutes maximum to get back to the hotel, but it took us 3 freaking hours in the taxi to get back. Not only was it raining, and cold, but half the road was closed off too!!!! So when I finally reached the hotel again, it was about 5 o'clock, meaning dinner preparation time. So i went out and bought sushi for myself. Total calorie of dinner? Well, i had one piece tuna nigiri(35), and two pieces shrimp nigiri (60), plus the rice from the tofu (60). So that equals to 155cals. Wednesday 29th Sept. 2010 GOLD COAST: DAY THREE - THE BEACH Instead of going to "Country Paradise", my family opted to go to the beach. It was very surreal, since I noticed that there were not many "fat" people on the beach, just a lot of average people with pot bellies. So yeah was a very boring day for me. Had a salad of cucumber and carrot only. And dinner (at 4:30PM!!!) of chickpeas and pumpkins. ONly finished half though, WTH? i looked it up at http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/diabetic-recipes/Pumpkin-and-Chickpea-Salad/r4778.html, and it was only about 120 cals!!! I seriously don't believe I had a 60 cal dinner, so im going to overshoot it totally and say it was no more than 200cals. Flew home on Wednesday, and just fell asleep. So no exercise. MIA
Saturday, 2 October 2010 @ 05:31 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
hey girls, im so sorry that i havn't been posting. I want to tell you all of my achievements (and failures) that have happened over the past few days, but at the moment, I'm trying to lay low. However, do not get discouraged, because I'm going to inflict a huge post on you, so brace yourselves! much love. xoxo. anna~ |
