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je deteste moi
Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 23:04 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
this will be a short update, since im only on weekend leave from the hospital inpatient program. Its only been a week and a half, and judging by looks, i've put on at least 10kg - my hips are swamped in fat, my thighs touch more than ever, and i have a jelly belly. However, according to the scales, ive put on 1.3kg since admission; that is not possible. They are aiming for 1kg per week, and my 'healthy' weight is 45kg. It means i am really close to that weight, and it scares me that i cant do anything about it. The dietician is pushing for me to hit 55kg sometime in the future, before i can go and do sport; or at least thats the impression im getting from her. The first time i saw the dietician after admission, the first thing she said to me was: 'i really think you need to put on weight.'. Now, medically, everything is stable; but in order to get out of hospital, i have to go through a program. I was starting on meal plan 1, which is the lowest, and have to work up to meal plan 7. On meal plan 1 - 6, you also get a nasal-gastric tube to feed overnight. Not only is it uncomfortable, it is also horrendous to look at. Everything depends according to your weight and observations. But this admission was not fair at all. I was NOT terribly underweight, nor was i medically unstable; however, i was more mind-controlled by my lovely ED, but that wasnt a medical factor. I moved to meal plan 7 in 10days and was able to get the tube out. Now im hoping for discharge within the next week, and this time i will make sure i will not go back to hospital!!! No, recovery is not an option for me, as it has been proved in my case that nothing will go in my favour for recovery. So its more secrets for me!! Joy...The most weird thing i found out since admission is that, in the first three days of admission, where i would have about 1000 calorie days (and nights of 200cals), i lost over 1kg (2.5lbs) in three days!!!! That was more junk in my body for at least a year, and i still lost more weight?!!!? It told me that it proved that the program of gaining weight was not going to work for me, as i lost more weight in hospital than out of it. But it was wrong to think that, coz in the next few days after that, i put on about 1kg. So it sort of evens out, apparently. I just hope that when i get discharged., i can still continue my calorie restrictions, because i know that getting recovery in hospital is not going to work - infact it makes my ED (Ana) much stronger ;)i know you girls are much better at hiding this than i am. Im just a worthless fatty who deserves to stay fat, and deserves her punishment of hospital where you swell up like a balloon on foods like cake and ice cream.Much love,xoxo,anna~ |
