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Time changes everything, even you and I have changed.
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botched up my fast just that tiny bit.
Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 06:05 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes i know i fail at fasts; but i did the best i could considering i have doctors, parents and teachers on my back 24/7. At the moment, im re-designing a new layout for my blog, since im getting bored of mine ... yes, i know im indecisive. i get bored of designs very easily. But somehow, i don't get bored of restriction. I would never dream of loosing all control and bingeing on 4000+ cals. I think, from my experiences in hospital, its helped me in becoming more Ana, since now im too scared to go over 400 cals, let alone 4000. :)so i shall update you on what happened yesterday and today, now that it's only one more day til the school holidays :). Oh and on monday, i am going to the gold coast. *major freakout* im excited but at the same time really scared coz its gonna be warmer there than in sydney, and my mum's going to make us pack light - we're only allowed carry-ons. So the lightest clothing is obviously the shortests ones, and i just cant wear them now. I cant wear my shorts and not feel horrible about it. AND the gold coast is like, sunny practically every day of the year, which means bikinis and swimsuits. AHHH!!! anyways, back to yesterday, Yesterday i felt so ashamed at how i was doing that i didn't have the heart to post. I failed in restricting. Since i had tutoring i had to have dinner at 4:30, and since i didnt go to school yesterday coz my period pain got really really bad, i had to have lunch with my mum. As per usual, she gave me rice. i must've told her at least 20 times that i didn't want rice. but obviously she didn't listen. Anyway, i was forced into finishing half of it, along with one carrot. So that was my lunch. At 1pm. 4pm rolled around. It was unfortunately, time for me to eat again. I could only manage half, but my mum wasn't satisfied. She told me she'd come to coarching at breaktime, and i could have the rest then. However, normally she'd never do that, so i just left it at that. Bad mistake. Yes, at 6'oclock she came to my tutoring and i HAD to finish the other half; to say i was full was a major understatement. Now you can all see my fail.So i decided i was going to try to fast today; in order to make up for yesterday, and maybe tomorrow (Friday). Intake for Wednesday (failday) Breakfast: one teaspoon of oatmeal Lunch: 1/2 bowl rice (150), one carrot (5) Dinner: 1 bowl rice (250), 6 prawns (100) Outtake: 1/2 walking = failed. Intake for Today :) Breakfast: 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30~) Lunch: half a cucumber, half a carrot Dinner: - Outtake: 1 1/4 hours walking = good, but could be better. Now im totally paranoid. My dad definitely know i've been looking at pro-ana stuff. He keeps lecturing about how im not going to get better, and such. LOL. its sometimes funny when he does lecture, he has funny accented english, and he cant even say "anorexia" properly! He pronounces it "a-xia". TOTAL FAIL. but me? im ROFL. Anyways, i'd probably have to lay low, and this computer is so out in the open, its scary. I can't do anything without being watched. I hate having no control. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. But i will not give up my restricting for anything in the world. Not even if someone bribed me with $1 000 000. Restricitng is all i can do, but the thing that keeps me going is the most inspirtaional blogs you girls put up. i know that post has beeen all over the place, but i just can't epress how grateful i am to be in this little closeknit group of people who understand, much more than those "doctors" and :parents" (ESPECIALLY!). So i thank you girls so much. i <3 you all. xoxo, anna~ (hoping to post soon) |
