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so much has happened.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010 @ 00:44 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes so much has happened since yesterday. violence. refusal. crying. screaming. a want for control. loss.that made me so ecstatically happy (though i couldn't show it). However, the doctors were really pestering me about the counseling, which apparently i have to go once per week but lately, I've been skipping all that since I DO NOT WANT TO RECOVER. from my point of view, there is NOTHING to recover from. i am FINE, NORMAL, and have even got the fat to prove it. Straight after the appointment was lunch, and since i got really upset that i have to see those "doctors" again next week, i didn't have an appetite AT ALL. Also, my mum was going to buy me a sushi box from the sushi bar, but not the regular sized one. she said," if you want to go dancing (i go dancing on Tuesdays and on Saturdays, as well as volunteering on Fridays, tutoring on Wednesdays, and piano and guitar lessons on Wednesdays and Thursdays), then you HAVE to have the LARGE sushi box. " That was so unfair, considering for herself, she got the REGULAR sushi box. There was NO WAY IN HELL was i gonna eat the LARGE sushi box (that had HEAPS of fish - salmon and tuna and prawns and yeah ... ). So my mum and i had a furious undertone fight in the middle of the shopping center. my dad showed up after parking the car, and i STILL refused to buy it. Since the appointment was at the hospital, we went to the local shopping center, and he then ACTUALLY drove back to the hospital, claiming that i MUST go back seeing that I'm not gonna eat my lunch. There were many frantic attempts by me to stop the car going to the hospital, and that made him even angrier. OOPS. wrong move, anna. The funny thing was, that he kept saying, "This isn't Anna talking. It is someone else talking". I just said, "How can it? I am Anna, and Ana is me." :) there was absolutely no difference in how i pronounced both "anna" and "ana" :D We pulled up in front of the hospital. I'd thrown a major tantrum, and declared "if you send me back there, you will kill me again." I'm not sure what kind of impression that made on my parents, but we spent half an hour arguing about my lunch. There was a lot of food (sushi!) thrown around in the car. It was absolutely horrifyingly humiliating to me. A few of the people from the hospital (in some cancer treatment center) asked if everything was okay, and my stupid parents shouted for the world to hear, "i need help. she's got an eating disorder, and nothing is going right". STILL more arguing. In the end, i didn't go to dance, and i didn't eat my lunch. I am hoping not to eat my dinner either. i am just so not in the mood to. ________________________________________________________________________ Intake: Breakfast: a bit over 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30) Lunch: - Dinner: *hoping for nothing Outtake: shouting, screaming, crying for two hours *will do crunches and sit ups later 50 thigh lifts in the shower :) yeah it has been a really crappy day. i don't want food. *UPDATE - total for today Intake: Breakfast: a bit over 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30) Lunch: - Dinner: damn mum - blackmailed me into eating 1/3 of rice (80), one carrot (20), and one piece of cauliflower (5), and a tiny piece of fish which i spat out (20) TOTAL: 155 cals Outtake: shouting, screaming, crying for two hours *will do crunches and sit ups later 50 thigh lifts in the shower :) currently doing more thigh lifts will probably have neg cals today. :) xoxo. stay young, strong, and beautiful anna~ |
