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well im discharged ...
Saturday, 23 October 2010 @ 04:14 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yeah im dicharged ... After 18 days in that hell hole. Here is my point of view from what has happened:i went for a checkup on Tuesday 5th October. I was 40.5kg and loving it - it mayn't have been as low as i wanted it, but i was reasonably happy with my progress with everyone still on my back all the time. My medical doctor said that, "at this rate, if you continue like this, you will be readmitted." my reaction? No big. I will get to MY goal weight before i am happy, and THEN ill think about recovery (or not). I felt pure, and light - for once. I was cleared for another week, before i had to see them again.Then i had to see the 'mental' part of the therapy. The doctor there wasnt even the specialist ... And since home life has been crappy ( or good depending on how you think about it ) i was getting readmitted to work on a new treatment plan, and to "make sure you are stable". WTF!!?!??! If my medical doctor cleared me, then how come i still have to be readmitted? Under a 'mental' doctor? Apparently so, and my I.D. Bracelet has my 'mental' doctor's name on it. I was downright miserable. I was not medically unstable, and everything was normal, for me, at least. I had just gotten my period for that month, and everything seemed fine. Even then, the dieticians started me on meal plan 1A, which is like 800cals, spaced over 3 meals, and 3 snacks. They procedded to move me up meals plans per day(like +300-500cals each time), so by the next weigh-in, i was on meal plan 4. It was Friday, and all i had done since admssion was eat, sleep, and study. I wasnt allowed to do anything else. No one had really come to see me, not any of the doctors, and not my family, either. I didnt really want to see them, anyway. The only person that came to see me was my supportive counsellor, and psychologist. She very kindly explained about why i was doing in hospital, even thouh she wholly supported the idea that it will be a short admission. It suprised me to know that, even eating much much more in hospital, i still lost 1.05kg IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS!!! My weight was 39.45kg, tand this only added to my conviction that i should not be in hospital. I was also getting overnight feeds of arouund 200 cals per night. There was something exciting to me that i could have that much junk( it was a lot of bread in the meal plans), and still lose weight. However, that shifted, as i rapidly gained weight over the next week. I will skip the boring parts, of me eating day in, day out, and tell you about my weekend, which i got leave. I struggled with eating, period. I had to eat well, or else i wasnt going to get a short admission. In the last few hours of my leave, i got fed up, and literally ran away from home. I didnt get very far, only to the end of my really long street, before my dad drove up and made me go back (i was allowed to walk back, however). I was scared that this was going to jeopardise my stay in hospital. It didnt matter, coz i still gained 200g. The doctors on the team were aiming for 1kg+ per week on the program, with around 4000cals. Overall, during my 18 day stay, i gained 1.7kg, but they keep telling me it should have been around 3kg (if i hadnt lost 1kg in the first three days). So my current known weight is 42.2kg. Yes its bad, and my measurements have swollen so much, because all the weight is either liquid, or fat. And basically that just sits on the body the same way, so it bulges. Gross.Im going to have to keep this 'recovery' going, at least, to fake it, for a few weeks, but i reckon i can keep maintaining, or losing a tiny bit, until next tuesday, when i next have a doctors appointment. If i have gained, then its straight back to exercise, restriction, and secrets. If i have lost, then still restrict, but not as much, coz then itll be less of a shock if i continue losing. If i have maintained, then treat it as a gain, and exercise, and restrict. I know its not going to improve my chances of admission, but i think the weight is just liquid weight, so itll be easy losing it - and with some restriction, itll help keep my parents off my back too. I will not recover from this until i feel i have hit rock bottom, and that will be when i have died, or is going to die. I have no symptoms of that yet, and so, i will not recover.Intake for my failed today:Breakfast: -Lunch: rice (180), half an egg (50)Dinner: rice (150), fish (50), vegetables -bok choy and carrot (50)Total: around 500Outtake: - 30mins walking (50)- will do situps and crunches (80)Net total: 370Weekends are always dud days, where i sit and eat. However, when i get back to school, there will be alot more walking, and (hopefully) less eating. |
