shadowedskeletons

Updates

april.25.2011
♥ update: launched ShadowedSkeletons

imported all posts from lightfortunes.

welcome.

hi there! you are now viewing skeletalshadows.blogspot.com !
please tag before you leave. :)

Time changes everything, even you and I have changed.

i need to be less negative of myself ... And see who i really am

Tuesday, 30 November 2010 @ 02:00 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.

As soon as i find my USB cable for my phone, i'll upload some pictures of me, because today i WAS in a good mood enough to take some pictures, and feel good about them ...

I saw my psychologist today, and she weighed me: 41kg with clothes on, and about 2kg of fishing ball weights in my pocket!!! so what does that mean? i don't know. I'm too scared to take it for real, coz i probably look heavier than 41kg. Ugh. But i'll take a mid way, and say that i'm 40.5kg. I'll check later on my own $9 scales. Yes, i'm a cheapo. But i really had no choice.

Today's plan to fast died as soon as I was forced to stay at home for not finishing my dinner. F*** my mum. I swear, as soon as im old enough, i'm moving out. No negotiations.

Ever since my meeting with my psychologist last week, i've been too good. Too good to myself. I've been caving too much to my parents, and i fucking hate it.

Tommorrow's plan: minimal intake, maximum outtake. Another psychologist appointment, no scales, but will be "upset" enough about the appointment to not eat dinner, and lunch at school will be sneaked into my bag for it to go to the bin. Somehow, if i can pull that off with my Head Teacher Welfare watching my every single move (i've done it before -ahahahaha) ... i'm on my way to 88lbs now!!!

Take care, all of you, and stay strong!

Some confessions from http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com that i relate to:

I feel so disgusting right now. I can’t believe I ate to make my mom happy again.
My mum has recently started commenting every day, if not more, how skinny I am. I know I’m not ‘fat’, whatever that word may mean, but I still look bigger than everyone else, and I am not happy. __kgs is still too heavy for me.
Fuck everyone. I’m going to do what I want and what makes me happy from now on.
I can’t change my eye color, or my skin color, but I can change the number on the scale. I can change the number the tape measure gives me. And I will. No matter what. I just wish that there was an easier, less damaging way…
I don’t care about the number on the scale. I care more about the number that enters my mouth. I don’t see food anymore. I see numbers. My secret is I don’t deserve food. I won’t eat until I exercise before hand and burn off calories I plan to consume. It’s like a game to me. To see just how little energy I can get by on.
It’s horrible to realize that, on some corrupt level, I care deeply for this parasite inside me.
I hate the feeling of having food in my stomach. I hate what this has done to me.
Everyone says I’m really thin. Not just my family, but other girls and guys. I don’t see it. I wear one of the most admired sizes in jeans. But I don’t see how I’m skinny. I’ll stop when I see it.
When I reach my goal weight I will be severely underweight, maybe I’ll be skinny then.
My secret goal has always to be on thinspo or have phtos of me reblogged I really don’t think my ED is gonna go until I achive this cause only then will I be happy.
I want to look like all the other beautiful girls, I don’t want to look like me anymore.
I want to die so badly. This is no life and I don’t see a way out of it. I don’t want to be a jerk of a daughter that leaves my parents with all the pain though. I’m living for them, not even for me.
One day I think ‘good job, you’re already thin enough’ and then the other I look in the mirror and cry.
my eating disorder is the only thing i take comfort in anymore.
I waste food a lot. I know it’s bad, but it just doesn’t go into my stomach.
I hate being forced to eat.
I pull on my fat at least 958703472502 times a day. I’ll stop when there is nothing to pull on.
I don’t want to recover. Just leave me alone.
My head is a battlefield. I am constantly torn between what I know is right for myself and what I want to do despite the effects it has on my body. Follow my heart? Or follow my head? Curently, my head over rules everything.
I lost all my friends last week, and I couldn’t help it. I can’t help the fact I didn’t race as fast as normal this past week considering the fact I’ve been trying harder than ever lately. I can’t help the fact that I have a B+ in one of my classes and its the end of trimester. I feel like I’m completely out of control, but I know that the one thing I can control is my caloric intake. I can restrict and at least know that I hold the ropes on one part of my life, and that makes me feel better… until I start feeling scared again.
I got so happy when I saw bones becoming more visible! Then I looked down at my thighs… the happiness was gone.
I just want to be thin again. I don’t want my legs to ever touch. I want to be able to see a gap through my thighs. A noticeable collarbone. A bony hip. I want knobble knees. I want a flat stomach. The outlines of a six pack. I want people to notice I’m skinny. I know for a fact, that I am not overweight. I am underweight. But I could be lighter…
I used to see them often and say to myself “I could never do that, I could never be so unhealthy, so skinny.” But somehow, through the years that progressed, I transformed into this sick being. And what’s really worse of all is how much I love being ‘disgustingly’ thin and having people worry about my weight (and not because I’m too fat, but because I’m too skinny! It’s wonderful. I would have never thought this would ever happen to me! It was just simply impossible).
I just binged. I hate myself. If only I had a gag reflex, everything would be okay.
I hate how much i have to eat to please everyone else.
I’m in recovery, but I’m getting worse than ever. You can’t make me fucking eat. No one can.
I am a failure. I keep eating and eating, and I know I shouldn’t. Today makes four days in a row, and out of those, ~~I was only able to purge on two of them~~. Today I’ve forbidden myself because I deserve this pain. I deserve it, because I’m absolutely disgusting. I keep making myself feel like shit.
I just want a friend, someone who can understand where I’m coming from when I say that I hate myself and that I’m fat. I don’t say I’m fat for attention I do it because when I look in the mirror I see an obese, worthless, ugly, person. I almost always cry when I see my reflection.I just need a friend. :|