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"Hospital is only the rescue, not the cure."
Tuesday, 14 December 2010 @ 01:32 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
it cant be. one week = 6lbs put on. im around 90-91 now (41kg). No way. No No NO; i dont feel 90. I feel failure. I see failure. I see 100000000 calories. I see 150+ lbs. I am gross. I'm now allowed to know my weight twice a week; so i'll update everyday, and post my weight twice a week. Meal Plan for today: it's too much. Its binges everyday. "Hospitalization is not the cure, its only the rescue". That was said by my doctor on the day of admission. I don't want a fucking cure. I don't need a fucking rescue. Yes, 86 is low, but it will never be low enough. It was perfect for me at the time. I loved it. An even 86. I hate odd numbers, except the number 37. That's the time i go to sleep - whether its 10:37pm, 11:37pm, 12:37am, 1:37am, or 2:37am, that is the only time i'll let myself sleep at. No other time. I'm quite OCD about that. Now, i go to bed at 10:37am and get up at exactly 6:20am. Way OCD. Highlight of today: " You are getting the (Nasal-Gastric NG) tube out." - Had my first coffee ever. Lowlight of today: - Amounted to about 4000 calories today. - Found out i was 41kg. - Have no inkling on how long im going to stay here. - had a 420 calorie ice coffee (aforementioned coffee) - unknown amount of calories for smoothie + cookie - the terrifying unknown Meal Plan (highest meal plan, so there will be no more than this) Breakfast: Special K (115), 150ml milk (100), 200ml apple juice (100), apple (50), one piece of toast + margarine (100) Morning Tea: Strawberry + Iced Berry Smoothie (300), M&M cookie (200) Lunch: 1/2 of foot-long seafood Subway (a whole foot long sub is 370 cals, but i had the smaller half so it was about 180, but i'll say 300, because of the cheese and multigrain bread combo), iced coffee ---> http://www.mycca.com.au/SelfServe.Cca/images/common/productrange_goulbournvalleymilk.jpg (432) Afternoon Tea: orange (60), white bread + marg (120), 2 yogurts (200) Dinner: Veal Marengo (yeah it sounds fancy, but its really just clumps of meat + sauce - 450), rice (300), tiny amount of veggies (10), chopped carrot (10), 100ml strawberry icecream (100 - yeah it says that on the cup), lemon drizzle cake (250) Supper: havnt had it yet, but it amounts to 400 cals. = 3667 cals total. EWWWW. Dont ever want to see that on my plate again. Outtake: obviously, none. I have 1 hour bedrest after main meals, and 30 mins bed rest after snacks, and everytime between that we just can sit in our chairs. LAME. I will be thinner, and stronger. Just wait and see. *EDIT: no. i won't. i will end up fat. I'm just too lousy to be anything but a failure. However, my crush just texted me, saying that he will accept me, no matter what weight, so i will be thin for him. xx |
