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Time changes everything, even you and I have changed.
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first day
Monday, 31 January 2011 @ 21:49 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
First day of school; first day of feb; first day of my newly organised life.First day of school = shock horror. my uniform looks so bad on me. a new uniform. Stomach rolls at the skirt, but too loose at the waist. First day of feb means the second day of the tumblr challenge which i have taken. See more @ here. First day of my newly organised life: well, i got down my diary, and planned my meals. I'm having oatmeal for breakfast, an apple (or something similarly low cal) for lunch, and whatever's for dinner. This will ensure that i don't get caught, and also hopefully will cause me to gain the muscle that i need (as protein is what i normally eat at dinner, and then i workout); I hope this works. xx maintained.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011 @ 19:50 | 3 comment(s) | add a comment.
i dont know how long im going to stick to this toning way of life. It's 40+ degrees in summer here in Australia, and I'm sticky and feel like im going to melt. It's not helping want to tone up. I hate this weather.I think i maintained, though i wont know until friday. I had a meltdown yesterday, so i have no idea what's in store for the rest of the week. *Edit: Well, my intake today didn't exceed 600; Breakfast: - Lunch: noodles (200), carrot (20), 4 button mushrooms (10), egg (75) Snack: 5 teaspoons of non-fat organic yogurt (50?) Dinner: 10cm x 5cm x 2cm square of fish (like a pack of cards - 200?), spinach (20) Outtake: Melted in the sun; and WAS going to go swimming, but i forgot the pool was closed on Australia Day. My"meltdown" was over how fat i felt yesterday; it seems everytime i go see my ED doctor, that this happens. And then, due to delayed reactions of some kind, i only start not eating properly a few days after my meltdowns. So its like this: Monday - normal Tuesday - see doctor and have meltdown Wednesday - normal Thursday - start obsessing again Friday - pull off a 24hour fast Saturday - return to normality Or, as close to "normality" as i can get it. *EDIT: ![]() replies:
Sunday, 23 January 2011 @ 18:41 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
aria said...cheer up buttercup! xD don't beat yourself up over 2km. it's already a lot and it was your first time. haha <3 aria, thank you; i sent an email to you <3 Dancing sparks said... general crappyness, as well as being mega worried for school and doctors. They creep me out. .... I dont feel like posting, because i feel like a waste of space. 2km and im tired? WTF?!?!
Saturday, 22 January 2011 @ 21:08 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
So i got a new exercise bike. I set up the resistance to 4 (as it's my first time), and i got tired after 2km. WTF???My body is so out of shape. I maintained 42kg, though i did heaps of walking :) Not much to report. feeling crappy. Changing.
Friday, 21 January 2011 @ 21:37 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
I'm changing my perspective. I no longer strive for a lower number on the scales, as they have deceived me far too often. And besides, i dont want to share the same stats that the doctors go by either. I dont want to focus on the weight that they want for me. I'm not recovering, however, i will have goal measurements rather than goal weights. I want to be thin & toned, and not be dictated by the number on the scale. I will go by my measurements, and my weight will be a guideline, only. My weight is low enough for the doctors to be alarmed. but if it go up, and if i get thinner / more toned, it'll make me feel better that my weight has gone up.So here's to a thinner body! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() the best two days have gone,
Thursday, 20 January 2011 @ 17:05 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Going out with friends is the best, especially when I'm shopping. Both days are negative cals, and i did 8 hours of nonstop walking per day. Needless to say, my legs hurt.But i have some good news. I can now fit into a xxs in Supre! but according to the size chart on the website, i could fit into a xxxs too! i have smaller measurements than xxxs. My measurements: Bust: 74cm / 28.86inches Waist: 54cm / 21.inches Hips: 72cm / 28.08 inches Left Thigh: 41cm / 15.99 inches Right Thigh:41cm / 15.99 inches ![]() B: special K + milk (200) L: half a 100cal bag of air popped popcorn (50) D: tofu (20), carrot (10), 3 small lean lamb chops (300~) Outtake: 8 hours walking (-800) Intake (20/01/2011) B: more special K + milk (250) L: green tea + gum D: sashimi (200), carrot (10) Outtake: 8 hours walking (-800) Pretty happy with where i'm heading, but i want muscle, not fat, and i actually want to weigh more. But ONLY muscle! Much love, my pretties <3 anna. Day 5 — Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Saturday, 15 January 2011 @ 16:33 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
i'm giving up.
Friday, 14 January 2011 @ 18:35 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
I think i gave up being thin. I just eat and eat and eat, and then feel incredibly guilty about eating, but i don't seem to do anything to reverse that. Where did my will to just resist go?I don't know why i want to be thin anymore. Remind me, girls. I don't want recovery. I really don't. Yet the things that I'm doing are towards recovery. I don't feel like i belong anymore. Take care, girls. xx ![]() Intake (14/01/2011)
@ 02:26 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Breakfast: 20g Special K + TOO MUCH FULLFAT MILK MY MUM MADE ME HAVE. (200)Lunch: - Dinner: 1 slice oven-cooked turkey breast (150 - why do i feel so GUILTY about eating this?), corn (50), carrot (10) This is what i have all day, and yet i feel like i ate too much. It's much less than normal and i feel like i ate more. I blame the turkey. Eating Out Plan
Thursday, 13 January 2011 @ 23:11 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
-Creamy Curries (Green Curry, Penang Curry). -Crispy Duck and Chicken. -Anything with a Coconut Milk base. -Fried Appetizers (Curry Puffs, Money Bags, Spring Rolls). -Fried Noodles (Pad Thai, Mee Grob). -Fried Rice. -Satay. Instead Get -Clear Soups. -Non-Coconut based curries (Jungle Curry). -Rice Paper Rolls. -Salads. -Skinless Chicken/Lean Beef Skewers (not Satay). -Steamed Rice/Noodles. -Steamed, Sauteed or Barbecued Seafood dishes. -Stir-fries with Lean Meat and extra Vegetables.
-Barbecued Duck/Pork. -Deed Fried Appetizers (Dim Sim, Wonton, Chicken Wings). -Fried Rice. -Laksa. -Lemon Chicken. -Fried Dumplings. -Peking Duck. -Pork Spare Ribs. -Sesame Prawn Toast. -Salt and Pepper Squid. -Sweet and Sour dishes. Instead Get -Clear Soups. -Dim Sum. -Hot Pot. -Meat and Veges with Steamed Rice (Sauces: Oyster, Garlic and Chilli, Black Bean, Ginger). -Steamed Buns/Dumplings. -Zongzi.
-Bacon toppings. -Deep pan or Filled crust. -Extra cheese. -Meat-lovers -Meatballs. -Pepperoni/Salami. -Supreme. Instead Get -Capricciosa. -Hawaiian. -Margherita. -Seafood. -Skinless Chicken. -Thin Base. -Vegetarian.
-Bangers and Mash. -Barbecued Ribs. -Burgers -Caesar Salads. -Chips/Wedges. -Club Sandwich. -Creamy Pasta. -Creamy Soup. -Deep Fried Foods. -Herb/Garlic Bread. -Nachos. -Steak Sandwich. Instead Get -Clear, Vegetable or Tomato soups. -Garden/Thai Beef/Tandoori Chicken Salad. -Grilled/Barbecued Fish/Steak. -Lean meat wraps/sandwiches. -Roast meat with Vegetables. -Salt and Pepper Squid. -Steamed Vegetables. -Tomato Based Pasta Salads.
-Biryani. -Tikka Masala. -Creamy Curries (Butter Chicken, Shahi Paneer, Korma). -Deep Fried Dishes (Samosas, Onions, Spinach Patties). -Naan. -Pork Dishes. -Pulao Rice. Instead Get -Chicken Tikka. -Jhinga Tandoori. -Len Meat Vindaloo/Tandoori. -Lentil/Vegetable Curries/Rogan Josh. -Mango Chutney/Raita/Dhal. -Marinated Chicken/Lamb Skewers. -Plain Rice. -Tandoori Roti. -Vegetarian Parantha.
-Creamy Risotto. -Creamy Sauces. -Deep Fried Seafood. -Eggplant Parmigiana. -Lasagne. -Sausage/Salami. Instead Get -Gnocchi in non-creamy Sauce. -Grilled/Roasted Meat, Vegetable or Fish dishes. -Pasta/Shellfish/Risotto in Tomato based sauces.
-Banh Xeo. -Crispy Met, Chicken or Seafood. -Spring Rolls. -Mi Xao Don. Instead Get -Banh Chung. -Banh Cuon. -Bo Kho. -Clear Broths. -Salads. -Seafood/Lean Meat Stir-Fries/Noodles.
-Burritos. -Corn Chips. -Crunchy Tortillas. -Enchiladas. -Nachos. -Quesadillas. -Taquitos. Instead Get -Chilli con Carne -Chilli Verde -Fajitas -Frijoles, Tomato or Chilli based dips. -Soft Tortillas. -Tacos. -Tostadas.
-Fried Spring Rolls/Dumplings. -Fried Rice. -Sushi Rolls with Fried Fillings. -Tonkatsu. -Yakisoba. Instead Get -Miso Soup. -Onigiri. -Ramen Noodles in Broth. -Sashimi. -Sushi Rolls with Grilled/Raw seafood, Vegetables/Lean Meat. -Yakitori. -Yakizakana.
800cals and i'm drained yet bloated.
@ 00:19 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Exhausted from eating. So that makes me NOT exhausted from NOT eating. Perfect.So today i had 800cals. However. tomoro will be like a 500cal or less. Plus, tomoro, im going epic shopping for 5+ hours. I can't wait. Eww. i need to workout. now. nothing new to report; its hot and sticky and i've gained again, i'm pretty sure of that.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011 @ 21:34 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Hot + sticky = no restrictions. Just eating every morsel of food that my mum puts in front of me. EWWW .... I don't want triple digits on the scale. But if i gain muscle, that is more than likely to happen. I want lean skinny body; right now, its just fat, and since that's lighter than muscle, i weigh less, but look 10000900000000x grosser.My mum got an exercise bike "for the family". Chyeah - it's not even out of the box yet, and i'm staring at it so badly. She also got a pilates band for me :) can't wait to use it! *harley hearts ana, where's your blog gone? xx Love you all <3 PS: somehow i lost 2 followers then gained a follower. It fluctuates as much as my weight does. PPS: i have no scale. Last i checked, i am 43kg / 94.8lbs. AGAIN Wait. That's a 2.2lbs gain. NOOOOOO. I'm hoping its the lunch i ate. Or something. I feel as though i'm 4875487687kg right now. my bmi puts me in the "1" range, and yet i feel as though i'm in the "5-6" range. I know i look like i'm in at least the "4" range. Now you see what i see, everyday. official 92.6lbs
Tuesday, 11 January 2011 @ 20:20 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
92.6lbs on tuesday. i don't know to laugh, or cry.Who am i kidding? How can i even feel 'smaller' when i have so much to lose? Honestly, i'm tired of this. No, i don't mean i'm tired of wanting to be thin. I'm tired of listening to my mum, i'm tired of eating every morsel of food that she gives me, and i'm tired of the weight that i've put on; however, my measurements seem to match the ones i did when i was 41kg / 91lbs even if i am 44kg+ / 97lbs+ now. So my diet changes have been good so far. Now, my new plan is to cut off all white things; so no noodles, pasta, white rice, white bread, flour... Stuff thats white, in general. I dont eat white bread anyways, but i am sick and tired of having noodles - except the vermecelli - thats clear and much lower in cals;officially 93lbs at the doctors. With water weight + water loading. Wow. I'm a bit proud of myself, however i promised myself no hospitalisations this year, and yet i know, if i reach my second goal weight of iilbs, then hospitalisation will occur. My doc was hinting at it today, and now i feel really guilty. My parents also discovered my secret weigh ins and now they took my scale away. I don't want to be their 'normal' healthy weight. I never have been - their 'healthy' weight for me is over 100lbs (i think its 110) and i have never been past the triple digits. I haven't even hit the triple digits. I don't want to be normal, leastwhile now that my thighs are so chunky. I find the less i eat (but i still eat), the more i hate myself, the more i find my thigh expanding. If i don't eat at all, then i see a good change. What has my life turned into? *Edit: Intake (i feel like i havnt posted this in ages) Breakfast:- Lunch: noodles (200), carrots (30), mushrooms (10), egg (70) Dinner: 7 small meat dumplings (280), bamboo shoot (10), Snack: fat-free organic yogurt - 5 teaspoons(50) Total:650 Outtake: 1 hour walk/jog (140) And that's been my total for the past 2 weeks. Similar intake/outtake. I am such a lazy bum. what is your ED about for you?
Monday, 10 January 2011 @ 20:27 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
so what does your ED mean to you? For me, its about the control, where i can control the shape of how my body's changing - and therefore control the intake and outtake. However, my parents and the doctors believe it's about the weight. How its too big for me. Well, tbh, i don't give a damn about my weight. There are many times when i wished (and still wish) that it wasn't so low, because it meant a higher chance of hospitalisation. I just want to be skinny, and thin, never mind what weight. I want to be like my friends who are so freakishly thin - model thin, some of them - and yet at a healthy low weight. I want that so bad. so i'm an ungrateful little bitch.
Sunday, 9 January 2011 @ 19:48 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
everything that my mum says is true; i'm useless, i'm all talk and no show, i'm not nice, i'm out of control, i'm not human, i'm hideous, i'm ugly, i'm not worth anyone's attention, i'm the one who talks about wanting to do everything, i'm the one who deserves to be jailed, i'm ungrateful, i'm a little bitch who doesn't deserve anything, i'm the one who doesn't even deserve to live, i'm a destructing monster; those words just spat out to me, as my mother is currently ranting about the kind of daughter i am.wtf is wrong with me when i believe everything that my mother says? There are a multitude of trust issues between me and my parents, but when you get call those things everyday, i just want to give up living and starve myself or give myself the most painful way of dying. So that i did deserve nothing but pain. Does my mum know how much these comments hurt? Does she realise that this fuels me to just not eat? Its only 3pm - and i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, where i have lost over 2kg in one week, and with me eating so much too. I don't want to eat ever again, especially after what my mother just said to me - but i know that this will botch the doctors appointment even more. It'll mean even closer monitoring and less exercise. I just don't want to eat. I already had 204cals today. K? I don't need or want anymore. 204cals worth of mushrooms, carrots, and noodles. Blast those noodles. I just don't want to eat.I don't. I really don't know what to do now.Loss!
Saturday, 8 January 2011 @ 16:52 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Not much, but yesterday night (11:30PM) i weighed in at 42.5kg / 93.7lbs (with clothes and food and crap) on the WiiFit :)That's compared to 44.2kg / 97.4 lbson the 30th December, one week ago. It's a loss of 1.7kg / 3.7lbs!! WHOOP-DI-DOO!!! In one week, and eating about 800-100 cals per day, that's the best news EVER!!! My metabolism MUST be working again!!! I'm loving it! I had 430 cals yesterday; but i think today's net intake will be lower, because im going book shopping with my mum; JUST FREAKING FEELING GOOD ABOUT BEING BACK TO 42kg!!! I think i'll stay there for now (since i have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, where the have the power to admit me back to hospital)... ![]() Day 4 — Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
@ 16:41 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Labels: 7 deadly sins challenge Day 3 — Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Friday, 7 January 2011 @ 19:18 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Labels: 7 deadly sins challenge Day 2 — Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Thursday, 6 January 2011 @ 21:36 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Labels: 7 deadly sins challenge i've lost Ana. I've lost. I've gained for sure.
@ 19:57 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Why don't i even try to go on this blog, if everyday is filled with eating? Yesterday's intake was alright, though i'm still beating myself up about the haw flake i had at youth group - 10 cals, and im beating myself up about it...it looks like this:Intake (06/01/2011) Breakfast: - Lunch: 4 tiny pieces of sushi - you know the mini ones? yeah 4 of those...(120) Dinner: one sausage (150 ... i dont know for sure. it was a 7cm sausage), corn (50) Youth Group + Friends: i ate one small apple (50), and one haw flake (10) i could have avoided the flake. I got away with eating only the four tiny sushi rolls ... it was vegetarian so thats even better; only had cucumber in 2, and egg in the other two. :) I ATE A FUCKING SAUSAGE yesterday. it was either the sausage or one gigantic bowl of rice. So yeah avoid carbs, go for protein. I felt stronger afterwards though, and i'm pretty sure i burnt off everything i ate yesterday. Yesterday i went job-hunting. I walked around the shopping center for 4 hours, and burnt good cals that way :) My long-lost "twin" came with me - she really isn't my twin, but our parents knew each other from hospital, and we are so similar in so many ways - i havnt seen her in 5 years and we still subconsciously have the same interests and we still like the same stuff..its like we have a special bond :D I miss you girls. I've been slacking in my restrictions, but exercise-wise things have been going better, and i'm still only eating 2 meals and one snack per day; I know i would have gained, but I still feel "smaller" ya know? It must be my pledge to good protein :) i hate carbs. today, i've had one egg, and noodles. it's 3pm. i don't know what's for dinner. But i will stick to protein. xx Stay strong. How i feel fat right now.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011 @ 03:41 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
----Whilst in Aldi (a supermarket) -----(L is a friend, and I've never met her mum) L's mum: ( a friend): hey nice to meet you Anna; Anna: hello L's mum: You are not as skinny as .... Sharon, i mean, your not THAT skinny.... Anna: ? L: hey Mum, I'm 48kg. Sharon's 48kg. I think Anna's under that. Anna: *looks polite* I see. Just those words : " you're not THAT skinny" made me feel fat today; the first thing that a Mum says to me is that im not THAT skinny? well, you've just sealed the deal. I will get skinny again. I will do it. thinspo.
Monday, 3 January 2011 @ 19:24 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes i'm being a post-whore today, but this sydney weather is so dreary!![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Day 1 — Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
@ 18:50 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
![]() 2. My highest weight is still classified as "underweight" (barely!) 3. I'm an over-achiever. 4. I have a blog that i love. 5. I have cyberbuddies that i adore. 6. I'm proud to get thin. 7. I'm proud that i can boast to my friends about being "recovered" (when im actually not!) Labels: 7 deadly sins challenge 7 deadly sins challenge
@ 18:30 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Day 1 — Pride. Seven great things about yourself. Labels: 7 deadly sins challenge ate with friends = no win.*edit*
Sunday, 2 January 2011 @ 22:32 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
Ate 6 ritz biscuits today + noodles for lunch. i hate myself for eating even that. What is wrong with me?so thats like the usual 200 cals for lunch, which is normal, plus the extra 100 ritz calories. BUT i didnt have my yogurt, so i guess it evens out. I had hardly any carbs yesterday, (except the noodles) so that's a tick on my resolutions.however, i burned quite a few calories walking with my "long-lost twin" (who isnt really my twin, but our parents met in hospital, and we shared the same room for like 3 months, coz we were premature, and yeah...). We walked for 3 hours before it started raining, and the wind was freezing cold too, and i was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt. Smart, only if you want to burn more calories :) so here is where we walked: Well, for the new years' i took some pictures of myself, and this is what i want progress from this year:(sorry about crappy quality) ![]() ![]() ![]() Eww.. ![]() stupid stupid period. and obviously because i was on myperiod, i ate like a pig. less carbs though. Intake: (02/01/2011) Breakfast: - Lunch: chinese thin noodles (180), steamed egg (75), mushrooms (10) Dinner: 5 pork cubes (1cm x 1cm x 1cm - 200 overestimate), 2 tofu strips (20), mushrooms. Snack: 75g fat-free yogurt + raspberries (idk. say, 80?) |