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i need to be less negative of myself ... And see who i really am
Tuesday, 30 November 2010 @ 02:00 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
 As soon as i find my USB cable for my phone, i'll upload some pictures of me, because today i WAS in a good mood enough to take some pictures, and feel good about them ... I saw my psychologist today, and she weighed me: 41kg with clothes on, and about 2kg of fishing ball weights in my pocket!!! so what does that mean? i don't know. I'm too scared to take it for real, coz i probably look heavier than 41kg. Ugh. But i'll take a mid way, and say that i'm 40.5kg. I'll check later on my own $9 scales. Yes, i'm a cheapo. But i really had no choice. Today's plan to fast died as soon as I was forced to stay at home for not finishing my dinner. F*** my mum. I swear, as soon as im old enough, i'm moving out. No negotiations. Ever since my meeting with my psychologist last week, i've been too good. Too good to myself. I've been caving too much to my parents, and i fucking hate it. Tommorrow's plan: minimal intake, maximum outtake. Another psychologist appointment, no scales, but will be "upset" enough about the appointment to not eat dinner, and lunch at school will be sneaked into my bag for it to go to the bin. Somehow, if i can pull that off with my Head Teacher Welfare watching my every single move (i've done it before -ahahahaha) ... i'm on my way to 88lbs now!!! Take care, all of you, and stay strong! Some confessions from http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com that i relate to:
oh can everyone read my blog properly now?
Monday, 29 November 2010 @ 01:08 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
i need to fast. i need it. but i cant get away with it.
Sunday, 28 November 2010 @ 22:55 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
i failed so badly yesterday. only around 400 cals, but i ate DINNER. it was the perfect time not to eat, and i ate. i dont want to depress you girls about this, so im just going to shut up.*edit: hey thanks for the support; tommorow i have a psych appointment, she's going to weigh me. I need some ideas to trick the scales ... i know i probably would have gained/maintained/lost? yeah but i need THEM to know that im "gaining" when really, im losing :) well today was even more fail than yesterday. Breakfast:- Lunch: noodles (100), egg (80) Dinner: brown rice (200~it wasnt big, but just to make sure), fish (100~stupid huge slab of the one fish that i like, steamed trout), carrot (10) = 490 Outtake : cleaning my room for 2 hours clean up the computer room - 1 hour stayed at home, being on PT, and on blogger. FATASS. replies
@ 19:47 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
lov2laff said...thanks for the omment; i never realised we're the same age! I wanna be a cheerleader so bad! i can do cartwheels really well though, and im pretty sure with practice, i could do some stunts too. wow. i sound so up myself... DolceCaramel said...41kg is soo tiny!! hope you reach your goal weight soon, I know you can do it :) no its not your page, i must have coded the html wrong or something. I'm redoing my page as you speak, so bear with me. I suck at html, but im always wanting to prettify my life, my blog, everything. everything must be perfect. yeah i know, OCD much?oh, i use like a 1/4 cup measurement, and put like 1/2 of that, so its like 1/8 of an cup - then i just put some water, and stir it around on the stove. i follow the recipe off the box....it says its 120 cals per 30g, but i have no idea how much i eat of it! so im pretty freaked out about oats and cereals, and EVERYTHING!!! :) more about me.
Saturday, 27 November 2010 @ 22:41 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
Who are you?:  Age:15 Height: 5'2" / 157cm Highest weight:100 lbs/ 45kg Current weight:91 lbs/ 41kg Goal weight:70 / 32kg Daily calorie allowance: It varies. Today it's 300.. Favorite exercise: Skipping / rollerskating Do you try fad diets or just play by your own rules? My parents rule my diet. I purposely ruin it. Low cal all the way! Are you vegan or vegetarian? Pescetarian Any food allergies? Not that I know of. What eating disorder do you have? Anorexia Anything else "wrong" with you? OCD,random panic attacks, my nails are so bitten they dont resemble nails, some sort of anxiety, i was premature by 2 months, and anaemic. Favorites: 1. Favorite quick breakfast? Safe: oats (it's still too high cal!!!) Dream: cereal - special k with milk (now im too scared to eat it - is it lower cal than oats?. IDK. ) 2. Favorite "weekend" breakfast? (You have more time) Safe:none. Dream:26 cal pancakes are the BOMB!!! 3. Favorite sandwich Safe: NONE. i dont eat sandwiches, coz there is no low cal bread around in Australia. Dream: subway minisub 4. Favorite Soup Safe: Bouillon Dream: French Onion Soup 6. Favorite salad Safe: Lettuce Salad Dream: Tuna salad 7. Favorite winter comfort food Safe: Oats Dream: Rice pudding 8. Favorite summer comfort food Safe: Ice cubes Dream:Paddle Pop 10. Favorite fruit Safe: Orange Dream: Asian pear (still eat them, but not often because of the calories) 11. Favorite carb Safe: Sweet Potato (i dont have enough of those), shirataki noodles, when and if i can find them. My suburb IS very asian. Dream: I hate carbs. But my family is a carb-based diet. FML. so i'd say rice. 12. Favorite protein Safe: tofu Dream: Veggie Burger 13. Favorite veggie Safe: Baby carrots Dream: Same as safe 14. What is your favorite thing to cook or bake? Safe: Muffins - Low cal as possible Dream: Scones are bland, but they have tons of cals!!!! 15. Favorite local restaurant? Safe: None of them X_X Dream: Sizzlers 16. Favorite chain restaurant? Safe: None of them. Dream: None. I hate them all. What ifs: 17. If you could have ANYTHING as your last meal, what would it be? i want to die on an empty stomach. But if i HAD to choose, sushi would be the way to go. 18. If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Safe: Celery <3 or Cucumber Dream: Sushi Which one... 19. Cold or hot cereal? Cold 20. Oatmeal, cream of wheat, or grits? Oatmeal 21. Dark, milk, or white chocolate? Dark chocolate 22. Tea or coffee? Tea 23. Cow's milk, soy milk, rice milk, or almond milk? Rice milk - haven't tried almond milk More Favorites: 24. Favorite dessert Safe: Nonfat vanilla frozen yogurt Dream: Cheap-ass grocery store birthday cake with buttercream icing. 25. Favorite (cold) breakfast cereal Safe: either one Weetbix or Special K Dream: er ... Crunchy-Nut? Idk. i like my special K. 26. Favorite yogurt flavor Vanilla non-fat. 27. Favorite meat Gross. 28. Favorite seafood Safe: prawns Dream: Lobster <3 ... i hear it's pretty low cal too, just its so expensive!!! 29. Favorite meal from your childhood My fruit salad <3 cycling postponed.
@ 15:36 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
DolceCaramel said...thanks, but honestly, as of this moment, i dont deserve your praise. totally failed yesterday. peanut :) said... that is so totally true! It's like a natural instinct to just not eat, nowadays. It's like a habit, but better, because we actually get some sort of results and/or satisfaction from getting thinner. Ribs ARE beautiful. As of now, i can see them only when i suck on stomach in a bit, which is weird considering my weight and such. my body totally sucks. ---------- well today i was supposed to go on a 5hour cycle around the biggest park around the city. Yeah well coz its bad weather it's been postponed. Now i feel a fatass for giving in to my mother's whims and letting her feed me what is probably 1000+ cals over the last two days for nothing. So today, my proposition: Breakfast: - (achieved!) Lunch: at small as possible Dinner: - nothing because i dont deserve it. my mindset is that if i dont have anything to work for, or to burn off later, i wont have it. It doesnt what my BMR is, i just need to burn it off somehow. yesterday had a total of like 750 cals. friday was better, sneaked some food into the bin for a total of around 400 cals. FML i need to fast or starve and not eat ... all of the three. Saturday intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: rice (300), egg (80), broccoli (10) Dinner: rice (150), carrots (40), prawns (180) Total: 760 oh, how many calories are boiled prawns? some websites give me 3 cals per prawn (i dont believe that) and some give me 30 cals per prawn... i seriously need to check the nutrition infos on my food, coz im thinking that what ive been estimating is much lower than the actual amount. i just feel ashamed, but at the same time, its like my release to see how disgustingly ive eaten. I feel as i don't deserve to have people as wonderful as you girls to read any of this. i'll post later. i broke a promise to myself.
Friday, 26 November 2010 @ 04:33 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Intake:Breakfast: oats (70) Lunch: one carrot (10), 3 stalks of asparagus (5) Dinner: rice (60), fish (50), today i promised myself that i would not have dinner, in compensation for the week. I had a family meeting with the psychologist, the social worker, and of course, my parents. I hate my parents. They don't get how hard it is to not love myself. My mum thinks that i'm stupid to have body image issues, and that i'm ruining my "smart" reputation by having this ED. I want to be skinny. I want my ribs to show up more. I want a gap between my thighs, I want to achieve straight As. I want many things. So, because i also had to eat coz i have a 5 hour bike ride at the Centennial Park in the City on Sunday, i feel so guilty and anxious. Guilty for giving in, and anxious about how i can't burn it off. I did only eat a little more than half of what my parents gave me, and i skimped out on lunch, so hopefully i can still lose weight. Grrr ... it's 11pm and im sleep deprived. I'm off to bed. Good night, girls, and stay skinny!  this is how i feel. PS: good news that my period has now gone. 3 days. That's refreshingly normal for me :) phew.PPS: i want to starve tommorrow. Oh, and how many cals is cellophane noodles? F*ck. The little red devil. Note: this post is TMI. Read on if you want.
Wednesday, 24 November 2010 @ 22:11 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Yes. The little red devil, more commonly known as that 'time of the month' has visited. This means two things: 1. I am not thin enough. 2. I am fat and bloated and gross. Well, the two things kinda run together, don't they? But what im wondering about, is the fact that this whole year i have not missed one, even at my low weight this year of 39.95kg. And that proves to me that i need to get thinner. As of yesterday, on the scale at the doctors, i was 41.3kg. (note: i had waterloaded 600ml, and had like 25 fishing ball weights hidden in my scrunchie) So i have no idea of my exact weight. My scales that i bought reported 42kg today, but its 4pm and i fear i still have breakfast junk in me, as well as i have (TMI) not taken a shit in like a week and a half. I'm also hoping its just bloatedness from the period too. I hate this fucking period. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Not surprisingly, at my lowest weight of 34kg / 75lbs i was happy ... My bmi was 13.75 and life was bliss. My intake over the past few days have been kept to a minimum, and fortunately on the day i was watching harry potter - november 21 - i had a intake of 60, outtake of 890. That was the best day this week. However, on friday (tomorrow) im going for a run around my oval for 45 mins, like last week. Never mind my period. I seriously will do this. Tonight the plan is to stick to a 100cal max dinner, since i was supervised not having lunch. And therefore the intake for today reads currently at: Breakfast: oatmeal (50) Lunch: - Dinner: ? if i overeat (which ill probably will due to this damn period :/ ) then i wont have neg cals. So thats my goal for today : negative net calorie total. I'll update later. :) i hope you are all being wonderful. Wait. i KNOW you are all being wonderful. *smack* **Edit: Intake for today was: Breakfast: oatmeal (50) Lunch: - Dinner:cellophane / glass noodles ... 3 prawns, Yeah. I'm not sure about the calorie content of those glass noodles. I had like a small bowl, roughly the size of a fist. REVAMP. DO NOT CLICK.
Sunday, 21 November 2010 @ 14:41 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
currently undergoing renovation.replies.
Friday, 19 November 2010 @ 22:26 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
peanut :) said... oh wow! don't get too low girl! but I must say i'm impressed with your will, i probably couldn't do that. November 20, 2010 1:27 AMThanks so much for commenting! Well, yesterday i just saw a chance to undo some "damage" and hopefully, get more fit for school cross country next year ... surprisingly, this year, with my ED, i did MUCH better than last year and the year before that (before my ED). Nikkii said... You are so stupId too November 19, 2010 10:42 PMum... can you clarify what you mean? It's my choice what i want to do, don't just make snap judgements. Speaking of snap judgements,my friends at school aren't really my friends anymore. Here's an example of one time this week: A: AnnaAt recess / morning tea: A: hey guys, whatsup? M: (chatting away about some gothic book) hey anna, are you gonna watch the new harry potter movie? A: yeah i SO am! M, can you move over so i can dump my stuff and sit down? D: (talking quietly with J)...well its not like you need to sit down - note: i did not hear her say it loudly, but she was looking at me weirdly, and i heard something like "not need to sit down". A: (hurt, but staying nonchalant) oh wells. i got to go run. J: i'll talk to you later, okay? I didn't know what to make of that conversation. I got really paranoid and kept thinking that D was calling me fat. No surprises there. J called me, and clarified that D did say "that i needed to sit down". Great. That was sure a good moodboost. I don't get it. My friends are keeping secrets from me, they talk behind my back, and they don't even have the courtesy to invite me out - its not like i want to, being fat and ugly, and unappreciated, but at least im human, and we have needs to be included. totally negative intake!!!!
@ 01:55 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
Intake today was really awesome! Breakfast:oatmeal (66) Lunch: 3 uber-thin strips of raw capsicum (2), one strip carrot (2) Dinner; rice (70), broccoli (12), 18g boiled prawns (15) Total: 167 Outtake was awesome too! I'm so doing this again - probably same time next week. It's the only Mum-free time i get nowadays. 45 minutes jogging (345) 120 minutes walking (322) 35 minutes dancing (151) Outtake total: 819 Net total: -952 HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH im so high. its so good a feeling. i hate dinner, still. But next time i get a chance to do this, i will not have dinner. I feel exhilarated!!! My letters to me.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010 @ 22:09 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
So as for my homework, my psychologist has asked me to write two letters to myself, in twelve months time. One letter will be adressed to an Anna will still have an ED (in twelve months) as in Anna, not Ana. How will my life be? The other letter is addressed to Anna, but this Anna will not have an ED in twelve months. This homework is due on Thursday, yet i have no clue as to how to write it. (Note: this type of letter-writing is featured in many recovery sites. I hope that this is my way of tricking the doctors who think they know best, and convince them that i am FINE.) So, to all my lovely readers, how do you think i should write these letters? Any ideas on how to convince them that i'm not 'disordered' to the point of rehospitalisation? I need your help. oh reply to Peanut :) yeah thanks for the advice! Today hasnt gone well in boosting metabolism, but ill edit this post later, or make a new one to show my intake! Love you always! Stay beautiful, anna~ 20 followers and being clueless.
@ 01:46 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes i am clueless. Today was failed. but i think, to break my stupid plateau, i'll eat "normally" so that my metabolism gets back to normal. But that means weight gain. Hmmm....what to do.I think im going to try to convince my mum to have more protein, less carbs, and then have a mid-morning snack ie water (keep drinking the water, anna!) and see how that goes until friday or so. I hope i can do it. I must lose that pesky 300g before i start losing the weight more rapidly.... Intake: B: oatmeal (100) L: rice (200), carrot (10) D: rice (170), fish (50) TOTAL: 530 Outtake: - 30 minutes volleyball plateau ... at 41.3kg
Monday, 15 November 2010 @ 23:05 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Yes it's a loss of 0.15kg and that apparently means i lost around 1kg (2.5lbs) since discharge. FML FML FMLmy metabolism is stuffed up. i need to get off this plateau. Any ideas? Curious.
Sunday, 14 November 2010 @ 05:31 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Just awake at 12.30am, and so much is going through my head. I have a few questions that i'm wanting to ask.Q1. Do you girls actually have cold showers to burn off those pesky calories? Q2. Besides running, what is your favourite calorie-burning exercise? Q3. How do you keep up the motivation for thinness? So yeah ... I know i was a post-hog in the past few hours, but i was uber bored today... ramblings.
@ 03:41 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
well this weekend it was bad. managed to skip dinner on Saturday, as planned...making it a 24hour fast after that was successful, too, but i felt i could've done more. Still managed close to neg calories on both days, so i'm reasonably happy.Saturday: 13/11/2010 Breakfast: - Lunch: rice (70), corn (46), tofu (30) Dinner: - Total: 146 Outtake: 15mins yoga (55) Net Total: +91 Sunday: 14/11/2010 Breakfast: - Lunch: rice (94), carrot (10), tofu (30) Dinner: rice (80), fish (30), corn (47) Total: 291 Outtake: 45minutes rollerskating (303), 15minutes vacuuming MY room only - it took ages coz i wanted to go through every surface like 5 times before i was happy (26) Net for Sunday: -38 Death of a Thousand Cuts
Friday, 12 November 2010 @ 19:22 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
I don't know when I changed or how all I know is that I hate myself now. My life is a wreck stuck between recovery and staying sick. When I start to feel good something always goes wrong so I lock myself in my room all day long. Just me, myself, and I sitting there wondering why? Why did you choose me? Why won't you leave completely? Why do you cause all of the pain you do? Why do I believe everything you say is true? The lies you tell me come constantly. Why can't you just let me be? Now I am just a lost girl living in this crazy world. Oh no, this can't be fixed no matter how many pills are mixed. I may feel better for a minute or two then the depression comes back and hits me and I'm blue. This pain is here to stay, I'll deal with it everyday. Until the day I'll finally be through and I will say good-bye to you I'll die a death of a thousand cuts because I hate myself that much. As I sit there and watch the blood run like rain I know that I have gone insane. You said it, you called it right. I'm out of your mind, out of your sight.found on:http://eatingdisorderdepictions.blogspot.com/2009/09/death-of-thousand-cuts.html so very very true. i don't care about where this ED will take me now...
@ 17:34 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
@ 02:59 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
It is practice to become what we become. It is practice that we become thin. It will be repeated like there is no tomorrow. Other quotes: Today has been a rather strange day. I had to see my psychologist again, and she was being nice today. (unlike the dietician on tuesday, who once said (last year) that "once you're in hospital, all you need to focus on is just gaining the weight." Yeah, i took that advice, and it led me to another admission. However, i got the feeling that my psychologist doesn't understand still. She's just focused on the weight, like everyone is, and how "underweight' i am. Well, yeah i know im underweight, but that does not mean im skinny enough. I am not skinny at all!!! There was one thing that my mum said to me today was: " yeah, anna, look at you, how could anyone love you, when you look like that? you look gross. no one is ever going to want you - all your friends will have boyfriends, and it will be your bad luck that you won't. Why can't i have the old anna back? The one who was smart? The healthy one? Yeah, that's right. This isn't the real anna. This is the "sick" anna. The "stupid" anna." so much for my self-esteem. yeah thanks a lot. Now, i get those sort of comments pretty much on a daily basis, though it's usually not as bad as this. My psychologist said to me that, regardless of what i looked like, i was still underweight, and all those medical factors (loss of periods, being cold, etc. you know...) is the reason why i'm still as an outpatient. It just got me really riled up. This lead to a binging sort of day. I didn't get to restrict very well (not as well as i had hoped) Thursday, 11 November 2010 @ 22:37 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yeah that was today. so fucked. but i had so much exercise ... (it was the most exercise i had in a while...) so yeah. I'm skipping dinner tommorrow.Rant (that you can ignore): yeah...welll my parents had no right to say those things to me!!! They had no right to say that all of their problems were caused by my ED, (specifically) me...They had no right to call it a "fucking Eating disorder". It is MY solution to all MY problems, which, incidentally, were caused by them. YEAH fuck that. I've had enough of this verbal abuse. I need to get out. I need to show them the pain that they caused me, by admitting me to that hellhole of a hospital that has conveniently caused my ED to get worse. I can't even admit i have a problem. I don't. I'm not in denial, i'm just saying that it is not a problem. yeah i'm skipping dinner. No excuses. Ana will be back with a vengeance!!! sorry about not updating.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010 @ 23:02 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
i feel like a failure to you all. The doctor's appointment went okay yesterday, now i don't have to see them until next month, so its better for my ED now. It won't be badgered. It won't. I will be good and lose those kilos.god i am so scared.
Monday, 8 November 2010 @ 03:51 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
FML FML FML. i think my mum found my ana book and read it. Or at least she saw the calorie charts, Oh MY GOD. My heart's beating so fast, from nervousness. Why oh why was i so stupid and careless to just leave it out like that? I had just printed another calorie chart, and i just left it on the table. OMG OMG OMG. My heart wont slow down. My day was screwed. Had to go home early coz i didnt eat my lunch. Oh wells. At least that's one meal i didn't have to have.So , myintake was: Breakfast: oatmeal (100) Lunch: You can hopefully see from breakfast why i didn't want lunch...so i had one half of a carrot (5), and one tiny button mushroom for lunch (4). HAHAHA Dinner: rice (100), beef and tomato stirfry (100) Friday, 5 November 2010 @ 22:46 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
   My f'ed up mind
@ 03:55 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Is it strange for me to see the thinspo you guys have posted up, and yet sometimes, i feel as if they arent skinny enough? Then i would hate myself even more since i can never be as thin as them. I currently weigh 41.6kg - a loss of only 600g since two tuesdays ago. What is wrong with me? Why is my weight not dropping off as quick as before? Oh yeah, i forgot. Im just a slob with no sense of control. I cant say 'no' to my parents all the time when they give me food, i am watched constantly, and when im with my psychologist and occupational therapist, im forced to eat double the amount of calories i have in one day, all in one sitting! A good representation would be on thursday, when i was made to have the yogurt for afternoon tea. It was about 300cals. If i had had it all, it would have been 6 times the amount i had eaten on wednesday. So today ... School was boring, but i had to miss the sport periods, because my mum was 'ordered' by my stupid doctor that i was too underweight (yeah right!) to walk anywhere, and i was lucky to even go to school! So she picked me at the end of lunch. Luckily (and unluckily) she had planned a shopping trip for me. Now, i love getting new things - who doesnt? - but wearing the new clothes is a nightmare. I went to my favourite store - SES - (www.sesfashion.com.au/main/main.aspx). However, it suits the asian body type, meaning i have to get bigger sizes ... I got $106 worth of clothes, but i admit i like the look of them, but i hate how they look on me. Everything i got is in a size 10 or 12, and their smallest size is 6! It makes me feel so big, and a year ago, i could fit into a size 8 perfectly! So ... Intake wise reflected my state of mind after the shopping spree ... I know i should've been more listening to my mum since it was her money i used, but i just couldnt face it.Intake:Breakfast: 1/2 oatmealLunch: rice (30 - one rice ball), carrot (5), asparagus (5), tofu (50) Dinner: -Outtake: currently doing jogging on the spot - 30 mins so far.Will do 30 mins yoga after, and 100 situps/crunches/thigh lifts before bed. - 50Oh i also walked for about 1.5 hours at the shops today :) - 150So today was a good day. I managed to hide two rice balls for lunch that i was supposed to have, so i had only one :)my intake
Thursday, 4 November 2010 @ 00:12 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
FML. F the doctors. F my mum.Intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: rice (80), carrot (5), corn (20) Afternoon Tea: a shitload of forced-upon to eat yogurt (300) Dinner : not yet, but will update I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I will not have dinner.I do not WANT dinner. I do not NEED dinner. *update. FAIL Dinner: rice (150), fish (80) |
