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Happy New Year
Friday, 31 December 2010 @ 19:14 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
 I've reevalutated my resolutions and they are: 1. Be thin. 2. Eat no more than 500 cals per day. 3. Eat mostly protein, and definitely cut back on carbs (that’s hard coz my fam is carb-based) 4. Eat nothing that has more than one calorie per 0.5gram (ie anything high calorific / calorie-dense). 5. Tone up. 6. Keep behaviour under wraps from ever-so-annoying parents. Being in Australia, i was one of the first to welcome in the new year, and this year i must say the fireworks surpassed itself:     *RANT* i feel ashamed, that i had to welcome in 2011 at 97lbs (ie nearly my highest weight) - it was supposed to be at my normal weight of around 90lbs! My normal weight for me revolves around 90lbs, but these parents of mine just won't accept that. Even at 97lbs they STILL critique me for the fact that im still skinny, which i am NOT - i've only got thin arms, but a massive butt and thighs that spread and touch. I have knee fat too. A lot of knee fat that i need to shift. *end RANT* i feel honoured (yet also slightly undeserving) to be past the 30 followers mark, that i actually have a classful of people reading my rambles. Over the christmas break and into new years, good news on the intake - i have whittled it down to two meals and one snack (instead of 3 standard meals and 3 standard snacks), so for my family, i would hazard a guess at around 700cals that theyd give me. I have the smallest portion of everything, so the meals would be around 300cals each (im eating more white fish, and less carby rice) and my afternoon evil snack which is monitored by my doctor (if i don't eat a snack, then its straight back to hospital-grr) is a third a small bowl of fat-free yogurt (i cant believe my mum buys this! - only 52cals per serving -1/5 of the jar? Seriously? ) topped with 6 frozen raspberries/blueberries that just are lovely when it melts in your mouth (coz its summer, and its sweltering in my non-air conditioned house) . Truly, the bowl is more raspberries/blueberries than yogurt, though it doesnt seem like that to my mum, who serves it to me, so my fruity fix is like 80cals or something. but look what i found on Wikipedia: huh? is that true? Really? I'm never eating a pot of yogurt thats prepackaged again! Yes, its more convenient, but i know those things hold 175g-200g, which is more than what i get now :)
Sarah - thank you for your encouraging comments, but because im only 5'2", 97lbs is alot. Also, im asian, so you'd think that im smaller, but because of the fact that im asian, i have a higher percentage body fat than other people, which is something i desperately want to change. I don't like being asian anymore. It just defines you as : - carb eating rice lover - have a higher percentage body fat - short but not always petite (my cousin is overweight, and no one cares) - supposedly too smart for an ED (this is frequently said by my mum) - for my family = fat thighs. I don't see how my family can look at themselves and accept it. I've always wanted to change my fat thighs, either through lipo or a diet, but until the ED came, i've never actually tried to do anything. I remember looking at myself in year 4 (when i was 10) and thinking 'its good that im tall, but these legs are still as chunky as ever'. I also remember staring and envying those thin toned stomachs of the infomercials where they advertise ab machines. Don't mention it, i'm the weird one in my family - born two and a half premature, i was a miracle baby, and yet i seemed 'normal'. I was a funny baby, never crying, and also never sleeping. Yes. I was an insomniac as a baby. When i hit 5 years old, i began weird habits, like chewing on my nails, and doing these pressups on my table. I haven't been able to stop either of those habits and its been 10 years. My nails have died, but with pressups, i got lovely toned arms. I wish there was one i could do for my legs. Wow, i certainly did not mean to tell my life story (and strange habits that got stranger and more wacky as i get older) in this post, so i bid you all, a happy new year!   new year's resolution
Thursday, 30 December 2010 @ 01:40 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
My new years resolution: 1. Be thin. 2. Eat no more than 500 cals per day. 3. Eat mostly protein, and definitely cut back on carbs (that’s hard coz my fam is carb-based) 4. Eat nothing that has more than one calorie per gram (ie anything high calorific). 5. Tone up. 6. Keep behaviour under wraps from ever-so-annoying parents That’s it for now, but i know there’s more. Thinspo:             im making a tumblr.
Wednesday, 29 December 2010 @ 03:32 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
http://lightfortunes.tumblr.com/clicky please? <3 97 pounds.
@ 01:28 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
97.4 lbs to be exact.Nothing more to say, except my head is saying...  Breakfast: small handful special K+milk (150)  Dinner: rice (180), egg (75), mushrooms (10) my psych appointment went okay. except the fact that i found out i was 44.2kg / 97.4lbs !!!! Yeah, when my psych told me, i already calculated it automatically into pounds. No way. I tried to brush it off, to say that it didn't matter. It does. It still does. It hurts bad. At least now my weight looks as much as i think i look. As in, last week, i did NOT look 42kg / 92.5lbs . I felt like 45kg / 100lbs, at least.  Now i know im 44.2kg / 97.4lbs, and i totally look it. great, Needless to say, and....  finally....a good start yesterday,
Tuesday, 28 December 2010 @ 03:23 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Check this out:
According to this, anyway, it says i should be 99lbs to 121lbs. That's way too much. At the moment, i am 93lbs. Meaning i fit the criteria of a person who is 4'9" - 4'10". I feel happy about that, but my weight in numbers will not does not equate to what i look like. It's not just me, my psychologist said about two months ago, that it's not based on how you look, because your weight cannot be determined by how you look. Just in the way she said it has got me frustrated because im fucking fat for 5'2". I'm NOT skinny! my thighs freaking touch even at 88lbs!!! well yesterday was my Buddhist Cultural festival / volunteering / restriction day. It meant that i had to wake up at 5am, yet i got to the temple (2hours away) at 9:30am, after the fog on the mountain held me up because my driver was too scared to drive. I reckon i had a panic attack on that mountain too. My heart was racing, and i could hear it beating/drumming really really loudly, and my palms got really cold and sweaty; it was scary. I was sleep deprived (after only gettting to sleep at 2am) but i wanted to make the most of my hours awake. So, when i got to the temple, my youth group friends all were already setting the place up for the festival. I jumped in to help, and my day began. I only stopped for lunch, and i ate as little as possible (because everyone was watching), i just spread my food around on the plate. What was so weird was EVERYONE commented on how skinny i was ... it was so weird to get those comments all day. Yesterdays' Intake: Breakfast: 200 calories worth of Special K + milk (as Lunch: small portion of rice (100), bok choy + other leafy veggies (50) Dinner: brown rice (150), steamed fish (50), leafy greens (20) Total: 570 That's definitely the lowest it has been in the past month or so; i want to be thin so badly now. Today's intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: rice (200), egg (75) Dinner: 2 prawns (20), rice (150), leafy green veggies (20) Snacks: small tub fat-free yogurt (it's only 52cals per serving!) + 5 blueberries (4 - each blueberry is 0.78cals!) Note: the snack was my afternoon tea; because i didn't eat breakfast. Oh wells. Tomorrow, i have a psychologist appointment, post-discharge psych appointment, that is. I don't know HOW i could eat so much this week. I'm repulsed. I will find my weight out tommorrow, and i already know i'm going to be ashamed of it. I will have Merry Xmas!
Saturday, 25 December 2010 @ 03:31 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
 coping;
Thursday, 23 December 2010 @ 17:40 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
barely coping with my family. It seems like everything that i do isn't good enough for them - rather, im just reluctant to give up this life with an ED; just because its been in my life for so long. My family keeps threatening with another hospital admission - and i only got out 2 days ago... What to do. What to do. I don't know if i can continue this. I need to lose the fatty lovehandles i seem to have reacquired. I need to be thin again. 86 is my new goal. I'll post again later - if i don't get found out.Wednesday, 22 December 2010 @ 16:20 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
 no where to go.
Tuesday, 21 December 2010 @ 21:58 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
Still inpatient, and waiting to get out. It all depends on today's meeting at 3:30pm ... It's 1:11pm right now, and whilst i'm not totally freaking out about how much i ate, i am very nervous. I have a new found sight towards my body. I have bulges and pockets of fat everywhere - and today im wearing my tights just to show how hideous my body has become since this admisssion. This system is much different from the UK and the US. Apaarently in the UK, there are day-programs where it's less intensive, and less invasive - apparently they only use the NG tube when it's neccessary ... at least, that's what my nurse told me. She's from the UK, and just came to Australia 6 weeks ago. She agrees that hospitalisation for some people just doesn't work - as in, it doesn't really make anything better, so she agrees that the "anorexia" just doesn't get better whilst in hospital. I'm 92.7lbs as of Tuesday's weight. BUT i look like i'm at least 110lbs. I have this massive balloon thats overwhelmed my used-to-be flat stomach, and my ass is another two giant balloons protruding from me. My thighs have e x p a n d e d 4cm in the past two weeks; 4cm!!!! Not 1cm, not 2, not 3, but 4 freaking centimetres!!!! That's 1.5 inches!!! And that's only my thighs!!! My thighs don't have that lovely gap i used to have, no matter how small it was at 90lbs. My legs aren't toned and now they touch from the top to the knees, have a tiny gap, then my calves touch, then a tiny tiny gap, then my ankles touch again, so it looks like this: Also, the good thing is that i probably miscalculated the cals in my meal plan so it looks more like this: breakfast: - one serve cereal (110-120) - one serve fruit (50-60) - one piece of thin wholemeal bread + one thin layer margarine (100) - 150ml milk (100) - 200ml juice (70-80) morning tea. - 2x 20g Bega cheddar cheese (170) - 6x Arnotts water crackers (78) - one serve of fruit (50-60) - 200ml juice (70-80) lunch. - 1 1/2 sandwich (600-750) - 300ml strawberry/chocolate Moove (200-210) - one serve of fruit (50-60) - one side salad (20-30) afternoon tea. - one serve of fruit (50-60) - one piece of thin wholemeal bread + one thin layer margarine (100) - two yogurts (200) dinner. Its 1000cals worth - we had a choice one time, 3 slices of pizza + 100ml vanilla icecream - one serve meat (200-400) - one serve vegetables (20-100) - one serve carbs (150-300) - 100ml vanilla icecream(100) - one serve of lemon, or chocolate cake (250) supper. - 300ml milk(200) - 2 biscuits (150-250) total: 3088-3788 *EDIT: i am now outpatient!!! i will start planning. so i will update later. :) A life of thin will await me...yet again. Conflicted.
Friday, 17 December 2010 @ 15:18 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
Sorry girls. I have been stuck, and still is stuck in inpatient treatment. My dad said something that really changed my perspective. He said that if i ever reach 45kg/100lbs again, i am welcome to loose it all again, no questions asked. He says that my body cant get up to that, that my body isnt built to get up to that weight. He says that its proved because in my second admission, i was supposed to put on 10kg (one kilo per week/2.5lbs per week), i only put on 6kg, in the whole 10week admission. My body just wont allow anymore. I was on the highest meal plan with extra 400cal drinks so thats like 4400cals per day,and no exercise, yet my body just wouldnt put on the weight! So yeah, my dad just said, if you ever reach 45kg, you can loose it again if you want. Im 42kg now, so what should i do? Should i get to 45kg(i really dont want to), and be pronounced 'recovered' by the docs, and my parents, or should i get discharged then loose it all anyways, because my eating behaviours over the past week have been overly normal? Im not even putting up a fight about my meal plan, which constitutes 4000cals with no exercise. What the hell is wrong with me!??!i dont know.
@ 02:06 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
i dont know what i want. Im stuck in a rut. My parents view me as in "semi-recovery". They reassured me that my body will not go past 96lbs. It cant handle food like that. I think i'll believe them, for the time being. Im 92lbs now. I dont know where my head is. Recovery is flashing in my face. I dont know whether to take it. I want to get taller; and i know what im doing - restricting - isnt making me taller. I dont know."We can’t become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
Wednesday, 15 December 2010 @ 19:57 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes. and thats why i need to get out of this "recovery". I CAN'T change my thoughts, i CANT be what i want or need to be by being stuck in this cycle of hospital, home and relapse. I'm just so lost. I thinkall this food is getting lodged in my brain and making me not think straight. I need to get back to 89lbs. I promise you girls. One more week of forcing 4000 calories and then im back for good."Hospital is only the rescue, not the cure."
Tuesday, 14 December 2010 @ 01:32 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
it cant be. one week = 6lbs put on. im around 90-91 now (41kg). No way. No No NO; i dont feel 90. I feel failure. I see failure. I see 100000000 calories. I see 150+ lbs. I am gross. I'm now allowed to know my weight twice a week; so i'll update everyday, and post my weight twice a week. Meal Plan for today: it's too much. Its binges everyday. "Hospitalization is not the cure, its only the rescue". That was said by my doctor on the day of admission. I don't want a fucking cure. I don't need a fucking rescue. Yes, 86 is low, but it will never be low enough. It was perfect for me at the time. I loved it. An even 86. I hate odd numbers, except the number 37. That's the time i go to sleep - whether its 10:37pm, 11:37pm, 12:37am, 1:37am, or 2:37am, that is the only time i'll let myself sleep at. No other time. I'm quite OCD about that. Now, i go to bed at 10:37am and get up at exactly 6:20am. Way OCD. Highlight of today: " You are getting the (Nasal-Gastric NG) tube out." - Had my first coffee ever. Lowlight of today: - Amounted to about 4000 calories today. - Found out i was 41kg. - Have no inkling on how long im going to stay here. - had a 420 calorie ice coffee (aforementioned coffee) - unknown amount of calories for smoothie + cookie - the terrifying unknown Meal Plan (highest meal plan, so there will be no more than this) Breakfast: Special K (115), 150ml milk (100), 200ml apple juice (100), apple (50), one piece of toast + margarine (100) Morning Tea: Strawberry + Iced Berry Smoothie (300), M&M cookie (200) Lunch: 1/2 of foot-long seafood Subway (a whole foot long sub is 370 cals, but i had the smaller half so it was about 180, but i'll say 300, because of the cheese and multigrain bread combo), iced coffee ---> http://www.mycca.com.au/SelfServe.Cca/images/common/productrange_goulbournvalleymilk.jpg (432) Afternoon Tea: orange (60), white bread + marg (120), 2 yogurts (200) Dinner: Veal Marengo (yeah it sounds fancy, but its really just clumps of meat + sauce - 450), rice (300), tiny amount of veggies (10), chopped carrot (10), 100ml strawberry icecream (100 - yeah it says that on the cup), lemon drizzle cake (250) Supper: havnt had it yet, but it amounts to 400 cals. = 3667 cals total. EWWWW. Dont ever want to see that on my plate again. Outtake: obviously, none. I have 1 hour bedrest after main meals, and 30 mins bed rest after snacks, and everytime between that we just can sit in our chairs. LAME. I will be thinner, and stronger. Just wait and see. *EDIT: no. i won't. i will end up fat. I'm just too lousy to be anything but a failure. However, my crush just texted me, saying that he will accept me, no matter what weight, so i will be thin for him. xx another fucking admission
Monday, 13 December 2010 @ 02:20 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
so the reason i haven't posted is yes, im in another readmission; Its a never-ending cycle. i hate it i hate it i hate it I've only been in the hospital for 6 days except i feel (and probably have) gained over 10lbs. YUCK. at least im banking on the fact that my thighs havent touched yet. It will only be a matter of time. eww... discharge looks to be so far away, i'd say in another week, but everytime i get leave out of the ward, i seriously want to run away. i've killed several of my fingernails just to feel some sort of pain as a pain release, but i just have to wing it. I post a meal plan (again! - so i can totally feel ashamed for being such a failure.) soon. But now, i'll tell you how it all happened .... 6 days ago It was just another clinic / outpatient doctor's appointment. Both me and my mum finally agreed on something - i had done well in "eating" this past week. Well, my weight was : (drumroll .... ) 86lbs. Yeah. And that was with a 1kg (2.5lbs) weight in my hair. so im not sure how i lost so much this past week, with me eating so much. so according to that, i had to be admitted, and here i am, 6 days later, fatter than ever, bloated, constipated (well, you didnt need to know that), and generally hating myself more than ever. i dont know my weight, but i will on wednesday. Then i'll see how fat ive gotten. I will post this so i can be probably ashamed of myself. I wont be surprised if you all decide to desert me. I am such a failure. I'm sorry. will post soon; xx. you are all better than me. anna. thank you.
Monday, 6 December 2010 @ 05:17 | 5 comment(s) | add a comment.
thank you Mich, and Peanut for the wonderful comments and tips. I'll be sure to keep that in mind! Comments just make my day, even if only one person comments on every tiny post i make, it brings a huge smile on my face for the next 30mins / hour / 3 hours, and my family just look at me weirdly coz im just smiling at the computer, like an idiot. Today, at 11:30pm i weighed in at 89.8lbs. Damn made such a gain. So according to my progress chart in my Ana book, since discharge weight of 94lbs, on October 22nd, and since then, as well as trying to put on a 'recovery', ive went down to 87lbs in ...6weeks. So thats like 1lbs per week. Wow. Since i maintained on 2 of those 6 weeks, thats pretty good. I'm pretty happy at the rate this is going, and it doesn't that my doctors are too alarmed because in kilogram terms, a loss of 3.2kg (wait, did i even calculate that right? Its more than i thought ... Oh well, all the better for me) in 6 weeks, isnt too worrying, because on their scales, ive only lost a total of 1.5kg. It was only worrying for them when i was 39kg(85lbs) and i lost 4kg (8.8lbs) in 5 weeks. I was restricting much more than now, though it was a regular 3 meal day (even sometimes with a snack), but those meals are tiny compared to now (i had like an apple, half a slice of bread, and two spoonfuls of rice, and 1/2 cup of vegetables PER DAY). *sigh* At the moment, I'm lost. I don't want to gain all the weight back, but i don't know if losing more weight would mean readmission, because for me, the doctors are pushing the readmission weight and the 'healthy' goal weight higher and higher. Last time i got admitted, my weight was 40.5kg (89lbs), and my last weigh-in at the doctors read 41kg (90lbs) so yeah ... Im scared of what might happen. Its just that for me, losing weight isnt that hard, but losing the fat that comes with the weight is much harder. And because of these admissions in the hospital, all the weight that ive put on is basically fat, and water, and it jiggles. Its not lean muscle either. I'd much rather it be muscle weight than fat weight, and i can just see it, and feel that its fat weight. But theres good news to being 89lbs again. When i lean back, i can totally see all my ribs again! I never really noticed, but if i breathe in, i can run my fingers across them, and feel them. Oh it is bliss. Its just because i'm short that makes 89lbs seem a huge number. I'm only 5'2", so that would make my BMI 15.8 :) im so glad im out of the 16's. They tortured me so much. Stupid height. If i were 4 inches taller, that would be perfect. I want to be 5'6" at least, by the time i'm 18. I know its a longshot, considering my restriction, but i really want to get there. Yet at the same time, keeping my BMI of 15.8, and my weight at around 90lbs. My dreams ... will forever be my dreams. OMFG.
Saturday, 4 December 2010 @ 17:06 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
 xx posting later. ups & downs.
@ 03:34 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
 The past few days have been up and down. Friday was awesome, in intake and outtake,but today (Saturday) was ugly, bad and now i feel ashamed, and beyond guilty. Friday Intake: B: oatmeal (60) L: 1/2 of vermicelli (50), one carrot (10) D: - Outtake: 2 hours volunteering, 1 hour dancing, 1 hour walking Saturday Intake: B: - L: rice (250), egg (80) D: rice (150), prawns (30) Outtake: None yet. i suck. See the difference? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I bet, that this will cause so much gain ... and coz my doc's appointment is on tuesday, i am FORCED to eat everything... I cant. I can't stuff myself like i did at lunchtime. I can't. Just because i starved purposely on Friday does not mean my mum can stuff me on Saturday. Now i'm too ashamed to post more. Like you want to know. I'm sorry for failing you. You are all infinitely more stronger than I am. Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Friday, 3 December 2010 @ 03:22 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
Gossip Girl! & Glee!Gossip Girl, for the fashion, and for the very inspiring thinspo, as well as to hear Blair's ever-so-bitchy comments :)   Glee, for the wonderful music. I love their renditions of different artists' songs.   Labels: 30dayblogchallenge Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Thursday, 2 December 2010 @ 03:33 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows.Hands down; thats my favourite. i adore HP, and would like to give you the pleasure of some of these amazing pics of the wonderful stars of Harry Potter:        Cheers!  Labels: 30dayblogchallenge Day 01 — Your favorite song
Wednesday, 1 December 2010 @ 02:00 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
At the moment, my favourite song is "Fireworks" by Katy Perry. I know i posted this video before, but i deleted that post; besides, my favourite song + models = *speechless*.Labels: 30dayblogchallenge restarting the 30day blog challenge. since its December.
@ 01:52 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
The 30 day blog challenge. Labels: 30dayblogchallenge when will i be thin enough?
@ 01:44 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
@amy: i can't be only 39kg, no way am i going to believe that... my scales at home are so shitty its a wonder that i even bought them ... its not digital, and i cant really tell if its 39 or 40 or 41 ... i'll show you what i mean. @Cassy: freedom is the thing i want most now. i want to be free...not of this ED, but of the control my parents have over me; for me, my ED is my life, and nothing they can do can stop me. This is what i want to become like:  This is me now:     Now honestly., i don't believe this one: it was taken 3 days ago. Is that an 89 i see? The top scale is lbs and the bottom is kgs. i hate not having a digital scale.  |
