welcome.
hi there! you are now viewing skeletalshadows.blogspot.com !please tag before you leave. :)
Time changes everything, even you and I have changed.
|
please tag before you leave. :) |
Despicable Me.
Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 20:34 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
well this marks the 11th hour of my liquid fast, started after lunch today. These few days (ie Thursday, Friday and Saturday) have been good, in intake. But as you know, the days before that have been terrible. I've been really busy over the past few days, and ive been trying to lay low on blogging, but ive found that even if I can't blog, ive become much too addicted to reading your blogs. I'm also going to update my layout coz im bored of it. :) i think ive already said that previously though. I cant see my posts, so sorry if i say things over and over since im blogging from email. ANYWAYS, intake? Intake (Friday) Breakfast: 1/3 bowl oatmeal (30) Lunch: - Dinner: 3/4 rice (150), 1 baby carrot (5), 2 florets of cauliflower (10?), Total: Stuffed from rice = 195 Well, THAT went better than i thought. Outtake: 3 hours of window shopping 1 hour of walking in neighbourhood Friday. Friday was my last day of term. It involved a lot of bludging through class coz everyone wasn't bothered to do work, and the teachers weren't bothered to teach. We also had a half-day,since its the Year 12 farewell, so we got to leave at 12 noon.Most people, after class, went to watch a movie. I went too. My so-called-friends (not surprisingly!) DIDN'T invite me to watch a movie, even though they had organised it a few weeks prior to Friday. (more on that in the next post). However, i tagged along with my other classmates (and a "recovering" anorexia who i believe is relapsing) We all ended up watching "Despicable Me". It was a random movie. I mean, it was about an animated criminal who wanted to steal the moon, and call it "the crime of the century". LOL. like THAT'S ever gonna happen. Anyways, we were to watch it before lunch, but by the time we got to the cinema, it was already starting. So after the movie, everyone was wanting food. Except me, obviously, and the "recovering" anorexic (who i shall call Aly). Aly only lives one street away from me, and I live pretty close to the town center; so we went home together straight after the movie. I knew for a fact that she wasn't going to have lunch takeaway, and was probably not going to have lunch at home (since she doesnt eat lunch at school). Well, i didn't go home. I went to the library, and said that my mum was going to meet me there. Not likely. I waited til she'd gone out of sight, and wandered around the shopping center for about 3 hours. I was not tempted to buy any food, even though i passed the food court a few times. The feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me; it was liberating. I didn't want dinner, but i was forced into it by my mum. i swear my stomach's getting smaller :) i felt really stuffed and wanted to just burn it all away. Intake: (Saturday.)----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Breakfast:- Lunch:1/2 rice (80~), one small egg (70~), one carrot (5) Dinner: - NB: i drank like 4 Litres of water when i was shopping ... Total: 155 :) I think that was one of my lowest calorie intakes since my four-day fast last year. (yes i know im fail.) Outtake: 5 hours of shopping, trying on clothes, walking in general, etc. Saturday was a uber good day intake :) but then again, my parent were very pissed with me and tried to blackmail in eating dinner, since im going to the Gold Coast on Monday :) Satuday i bought a heap load of clothes, AND most of them were under $10!!! i love bargains!!! maybe i'll post better pictures of them when i get back from the Gold Coast on Wednesday; so excited to go!!! all those theme parks! and probably i'll be living on salad there, coz thats the only thing i can eat out. :) i know the next post is going to be depressing, but its on my mind for a while. and then, i probably wont be able to post or update until wednesday, but hopefully i'll be loosing kgs, in time for my birthday on the 6th October, and also getting a new phone on my b'day!!! so very excited about the week to come...just hope my intake will be good too. i <3 you all. anna~ going to post from email from now on ...
@ 06:42 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
i'm so glad blog posts can be posted from email :) coz now that i can't update my blog on blogger.com so much now, since my parents know about my blog, i'll update from my email so it posts onto the blog. hahaha its the best, and my school laptop (the laptop that was given to me by the school/government for "the economy") has blocked blogger and all blogsites as well as prettythin.com, not to mention facebook and everything. botched up my fast just that tiny bit.
Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 06:05 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes i know i fail at fasts; but i did the best i could considering i have doctors, parents and teachers on my back 24/7. At the moment, im re-designing a new layout for my blog, since im getting bored of mine ... yes, i know im indecisive. i get bored of designs very easily. But somehow, i don't get bored of restriction. I would never dream of loosing all control and bingeing on 4000+ cals. I think, from my experiences in hospital, its helped me in becoming more Ana, since now im too scared to go over 400 cals, let alone 4000. :)so i shall update you on what happened yesterday and today, now that it's only one more day til the school holidays :). Oh and on monday, i am going to the gold coast. *major freakout* im excited but at the same time really scared coz its gonna be warmer there than in sydney, and my mum's going to make us pack light - we're only allowed carry-ons. So the lightest clothing is obviously the shortests ones, and i just cant wear them now. I cant wear my shorts and not feel horrible about it. AND the gold coast is like, sunny practically every day of the year, which means bikinis and swimsuits. AHHH!!! anyways, back to yesterday, Yesterday i felt so ashamed at how i was doing that i didn't have the heart to post. I failed in restricting. Since i had tutoring i had to have dinner at 4:30, and since i didnt go to school yesterday coz my period pain got really really bad, i had to have lunch with my mum. As per usual, she gave me rice. i must've told her at least 20 times that i didn't want rice. but obviously she didn't listen. Anyway, i was forced into finishing half of it, along with one carrot. So that was my lunch. At 1pm. 4pm rolled around. It was unfortunately, time for me to eat again. I could only manage half, but my mum wasn't satisfied. She told me she'd come to coarching at breaktime, and i could have the rest then. However, normally she'd never do that, so i just left it at that. Bad mistake. Yes, at 6'oclock she came to my tutoring and i HAD to finish the other half; to say i was full was a major understatement. Now you can all see my fail.So i decided i was going to try to fast today; in order to make up for yesterday, and maybe tomorrow (Friday). Intake for Wednesday (failday) Breakfast: one teaspoon of oatmeal Lunch: 1/2 bowl rice (150), one carrot (5) Dinner: 1 bowl rice (250), 6 prawns (100) Outtake: 1/2 walking = failed. Intake for Today :) Breakfast: 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30~) Lunch: half a cucumber, half a carrot Dinner: - Outtake: 1 1/4 hours walking = good, but could be better. Now im totally paranoid. My dad definitely know i've been looking at pro-ana stuff. He keeps lecturing about how im not going to get better, and such. LOL. its sometimes funny when he does lecture, he has funny accented english, and he cant even say "anorexia" properly! He pronounces it "a-xia". TOTAL FAIL. but me? im ROFL. Anyways, i'd probably have to lay low, and this computer is so out in the open, its scary. I can't do anything without being watched. I hate having no control. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. But i will not give up my restricting for anything in the world. Not even if someone bribed me with $1 000 000. Restricitng is all i can do, but the thing that keeps me going is the most inspirtaional blogs you girls put up. i know that post has beeen all over the place, but i just can't epress how grateful i am to be in this little closeknit group of people who understand, much more than those "doctors" and :parents" (ESPECIALLY!). So i thank you girls so much. i <3 you all. xoxo, anna~ (hoping to post soon) what i call a bad day.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 06:15 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
totally stuffed up today's intake at dinner. AND i have period pain.today has not been going at all well for me. Intake: Breakfast: 1/4 oatmeal (30) Lunch: half a cucumber (8), half a raw carrot (10) Dinner: all of my rice (250), 6 prawns (100 - coz they were fried(i think)) Total: too much = 398 i think even under 400 cals today is WAY too much. my goal now is under 200 per day, and burn at least 500. THATS a good goal. :) ouch period pain. today's trip to the doctors was bad, but not as bad as last week. I had lost weight again :) but not as much as last week...im NOT listening to anything they say. NO WAY, They all want to "up" my calorie intake. I'm glad my head teacher welfare actually supports me on this one. She disagrees with the docs, and suggests that i should have food that i actually like to eat, which isn't many (and they're all low cal). She's the one who allows me to have salad for lunch, btu my mum won't budge on having rice for dinner. I'm going to cut back and only eat 1/4 of rice, and blame period pain for it tommorow. ALSO got tutoring tommorow, and i have two assignments due, so i probably won't be able to post tommorow. As for outtake .. Outtake: 45minutes hip hop Thats it. Lame for a tuesday, but what with visiting the doctors, i can't walk to school or from school either, since i have dance. Stay strong, ladies. anna~ PS: i CAN do this. I WILL cut back. I WILL fast on thursday, (and/or friday) ew ew ew ew ew.
Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 07:30 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
ew ew flab, i COMMAND you to move out of my body! You don't belong with me, you know that, but why are you so addicted to me? why? why? why?i'm so sorry that i havn't been updating everyday, im just so paranoid about my parents finding out, i havn't risked anything. i've deleted all the history in my internet browser, and have placed quite a few passwords on my computer, so let's hope that'll keep spies out. Intake these past few days has been alright, sticking with salad at lunchtimes, and the least possible rice at dinner, aldo i successfully completed my 24hour water fast the other day ;) felt wonderful afterwards, no signs of binges or anything. for once, i felt like i conquered something that even the doctors won't know. hhahah so, intake for today: Breakfast: 1/3 bowl of oatmeal (30) Lunch: 3 corn thins (33), a bit of salad (80) Dinner: 3/4 rice (150), 1/4 of fish fillet (steamed)(60), carrot (10). Total: (im overshooting today, coz i feel fat and terrible - so its total of 363. Outtake: 20 pushups (in one minute) 30 situps (in 30 seconds) 1 hour walking yeah thats pretty much my lame day today. Tomorrow it is another doctor's appointment. tonight i literally stuffed myself stupid on the rice, and now as i stare down, it looks horrendous. I don't see no hipbones, i don't see no ribs either. just solid fat. eugh. tommorow, if the appointment goes bad (when has it ever gone good?!?) i'm skipping my dinner. eugh. dont look at me.
Sunday, 19 September 2010 @ 07:47 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
damnit.i think my parents know about me wanting to lose more weight; they "know" about me looking at bmi values and stuff. i just don't know how much THEY KNOW. will post more tommorrow - its past midnight now. okay. no more posting until i finish this.
Saturday, 18 September 2010 @ 23:13 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
until i finish my homework, which is:
bye lovelies! im thinking of you~ Fast.
@ 04:48 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
So yeah. i'm liquid/water fasting from lunchtime today to lunchtime tommorrow, so its 24hours, give or take a few. So basically, since its the weekend, it'll be easy. I',m sick of my plateau - that goes up, and down. Ha - my mum's so naive. How could she suggest that i just eat some carbs and not expect to gain weight? Uh, FYI mum, carbs are NOT good for me. Carbs, sugar and fat. WHICH you are heaping into whatever you give me. So my answer is simple : I WILL NOT EAT. Today has been a good day ONLY IN TERMS OF INTAKE, though. Intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: 3/4 rice (150 - i think it was less than 3/4 but just overestimate), one carrot Dinner: - Drinks: 2L of water whilst shopping, 1L of water (drinking now) Total: 155 cals Outtake: 4 hours of window shopping = walking (400) 50 situps and crunches (50) Total: 450 cals ~ I mean, you would think, ANYONE who eats what i eat would expect to see SOME weight loss, at least, but NOOO, my body is so stuffed up, and its too hard to get upto 500 cals per day. Rice fills you up so much, but compared to bread, its relatively low cal, coz bread doesn't fill you up THAT fast. I mean, you have like, two spoonfuls of rice, and you're full. At least, thats what its like for me. But my mum always make me finish at least half - bleh. Onto my day. For the past month, me and my mum have been going to the city (Sydney) and we've been shopping A LOT. But its all bargain clothing, so its a win win situation. SUPPOSEDLY. Today we were buying jeans, and you all know the horror of finding the right size jeans, well it overwhelmed me. I don't believe it. The size small jeans from Supré fit my ugly fat thighs, but everywhere else was loose. i'm sure you can know the disgust i felt towards myself becuase of the size. Size small wasn't even the smallest size there! There was also XS, and XXS. I saw the XXS first, and i so desperately wanted be small enough to fit in them. We went to the next shop, and tried on more jeans. My mum picked out a size 6 for me. I thought, well, size six - it SHOULD be ok. Guess what. It was JUST TIGHT!!!! I could walk around in them, but it hugged my figure horribly. There were bulges EVERYWHERE. On top of that, my legs just looked stubby. I almost burst out crying in the changeroom, but managed to hold it in until we got home. That experience was emotionally SCARRING for life. I COULD NOT FIT INTO A SIZE SIX!!! It was at that point in which i thought, i NEED A FAST. NOW. So far, its the tenth hour since i last ate, and it feels so good. But i need to get rid of my fat thighs and regain that space in between them that i'd lost from being hospitalised TWICE. So the day in terms of my mood: TERRIBLE. Self-esteem? It has reached the bottom of the earth. Self-worth: Definitely not worthy of rewards. (meaning MUST restrict more, and exercise MUCH MUCH MORE) at least, until i reach my next goal weight. So NO trips by car, and NO loss of control over carbs even if my mum forces me to. I hope you beautiful readers have had a much better day than I. For i know i'm not worth it. anna~ hello to ten followers! (and a very self-hating post)
Friday, 17 September 2010 @ 06:50 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
my tenth follower! wow, its seems such a small number, but the motivation that you ten lovely people give me is tremendous. oh, and i mustn't forget anyone else who reads my blog and has commented. YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL.anyways, my day was so crap. in my eyes, its a binge, especially compared to a few days ago, its much much more. >< Intake: Breakfast: 1/3 bowl watery oatmeal (30~) Lunch: 3/4 salad (no more than 50, since it was mostly celery and carrot), 1/2 a corn thin (11) Dinner: all of my fucking rice (200), lima beans (50) Drinks: 2L of water, one cup of chinese herbal tea(50) Total: 391 cals Outtake: 2 hours of walking :) with my backpack and stuff - 500 situps and crunches (80) Total: 580 Net Total: -189 wow. surprisingly neg cals today. i SO wanted to fast until lunch time tommorrow, but then my mum MADE me have all my rice. STUPID CARBS. at least for lunch i had a salad; its' still my welfare teacher who watches me so most of the time i can get away with not finishing everything. i really hate it at home, so most of the time i'd just stay out of the house until it's dinnertime, and during the few hours to myself, i would not stop moving. i think i'd did over two hours of walking today, since i didn't stop moving from 3:30pm to about 6:00pm, so at least that was a really good accomplishment. or so i thought. now that i think about it, its really not that much. ugh. i feel like such a pig today. in my haste to make sure i finished before seven o'clock for dinner, my mum forced me to have ALL my rice. eugh. i feel so fat and terrible. i hate how rice makes me feel now. my stupid mum won't let me go rice-free. everytime i eat rice now, its like it swells in my stomach, then i cant eat anything else. STUPID STUPID STUPID. how can i keep doing this? how can i have no control? how can i let my mum be in charge of me? there is only one answer. it's because i am worthless, a selfish pig, and destined-for-fatness(at this rate). eugh. i am so dead. however, i 'm going to MAKE SURE that tommorrow MUST be a good day. no eating until 1pm, and that WILL be a salad. THEN at dinner, i MUST fast, or if that's impossible, then i will have NO MORE than half on my plate, veggies included. I MUST. I MUST. I MUST. now i need some asian thinspo ...                   salads and yet more rice.
Thursday, 16 September 2010 @ 06:39 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
this is going to be as short a post as possible, since its near midnight in australia, and i should be going to sleep. it has been an uneventful day, but my luck is beginning to turn on me. i'm actually getting away with restricting a lot more, so hopefully that'll bring me much closer to my goal weight.Intake; Breakfast: 1/3 of watered down oatmeal (30) Lunch: one bite of my salad - which was carrot, cucumber and lettuce (around 2 cals). It also had blueberries, strawberries, and tuna (which is totally weird in a salad) Dinner: (was fail) 2/3 of rice (150~), and one carrot (5) Drinks: 2L of water during school, and chinese herbal tea (50~ just to be safe) Total: 237 cals Outtake: 1 hour walk with my heavy backpack and bag (300) situps and crunches ehh... i know im really lazy nowadays. theres just not enough time to fit all my activities in, with school and such.oh wells :) i'll post longer tommorrow, since its' friday :) i hope your days have been better than mine, or at least more productive than mine. xoxo, anna~ the fight of the wills
Wednesday, 15 September 2010 @ 04:29 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
well today was hectic; with lots more arguing, and an almost leap of faith off the balcony for me ... but lets get to that later; Intake: Breakfast: 1/2 bowl (very watered down today) oatmeal (40) Lunch: less than 1/4 of rice (60 - I swear my mum's giving more rice), 1/2 cucumber (12), 3 medium strawberries (12), one cubic inch of tofu (11) Dinner (more like afternnon tea - it was at 4:30) : less than 1/4 of rice (50), one cubic inch of tofu (11), two small strawberries (4), one leaf of lettuce (1) Drinks: over 1 litre of ice water, Chinese herbal tea (50 - just to be overly safe) TOTAL: 251 cals today :) Outtake: 1 hour walking with a loaded school bag. (300) sit ups and crunches (80) the beep test - The 20m multistage fitness test is a commonly used maximal running aerobic fitness test. It is also known as the 20 meter shuttle run test, beep or bleep test among others. i got a horrible score of level 5.5 - * note: im not allowed to run on doctors orders, so doing this test was already sneakily done :) most of my classmates got around this score too. i fail at beep tests. but i love cross country. i did really well in cross country this year, compared to last year and the year before - even though i am at a lower weight than last year :) TOTAL: over 380-ish. *obviously that's not including my BMR and all the work i have to do at school and such... well, onto my very boring day. I woke up requesting a much more watered down oatmeal for brekkie. somehow, i got away with eating only half of that. i THINK plain oatmeal is less calories than cereal - that's why i wanted to switch to it in the first place - but my mum believes it is more ... hahahhaha the trains in the mornings are really stupid - my train came 12 minutes late (and i was already pushing it with the time) so i was 5 minutes late for my first class - which is physical education (ie SPORT) that i love (anything that burns off cals). The good thing was, my teacher didn't really care that i was late :) some teachers are really pedantic about the time. It's like, you are 40 seconds late, and you get a detention. :/ yes, my beep test score was terrible, but i made the most out of a bad situation. i posted yesterday that i was BANNED from doing any physical activity (since MARCH this year!!!!), so yeah screw the doctors. :) i also got away with only eating one piece of my rice (as my mum wraps it in seaweed to make it look like four pieces of sushi as it is less cals that way - at least it is for me) today because now, i have to eat lunch with my head teacher welfare, (i'll refer to her as HTW if i remember) instead of my mum. Overall, that is a good thing, since being a teacher, she is more busy and has less time to look at me eating, but she's always making these stupid suggestions to "up my kilojoules" which i definitely do NOT need , I'd still take her over my mum anyday though ;) yeah so i ate really slowly, and i only "had time" to finish one piece - maybe i'll take a picture to show you the size, since im guesstimate the calories in it based on normal rice portions. The other three portions obviously went into the bin - i hid it first though, so it seemed like i had it all. I AM GETTING BETTER AT THIS. i totally dragged myself around the neighbour hood today, after school. With a very heavy backpack, and an armful of books, it was pure bliss/agony-that-i-deserved. i also took heed of some of the tips that have been featured around in your blogs, as i sat ramrod straight in my chair at school and at tutoring. dinner was a disaster as usual. my parents were about to send me to tutoring, at 5, since it goes on for 3 hours, and there was NO way i was going to eat at 8 o'clock. i had to have my dinner SUPER early. as predicted by me, i was still feeling stuffed from lunch, as rice to me has a very congealed, clumpy feeling in my stomach. so i only had a bit of lettuce and tofu before the "fight of the wills" began. I had finished the smallest rice piece in my rice, and was feeling bloated, and fat, when my mum tried to make me have another two pieces before i could go to tutoring. i refused. a shouting match began like this: Mum: anna, please finish this last one before you go Me: no mum, i'm still feeling really full from lunch (i normally try to skip lunch on a wednesday - but that also involves me not having my one hour of walking, and missing a double period of maths) Mum: you must, since you won't have it at 8. Me: of course i wont have it at 8! Dad: then you won't be allowed to go if you dont finish it. Me: i MUST go. Dad; NOPE. i try to force my way through their clutches, and actually succeed for a few minutes, but then i had underestimated that they would lock the doors. the few crucial moments that i needed to unlock that door were dashed when my dad forcibly lifted me up and carried me, screaming and kicking like a 5 year old, out of the room. I was not going to back down this time.. I braced myself, and launched every physical act of hurting him with my body possible. mind you, if worked. i tried again to force my way out of the room, but again he picked me up and this time, he dropped me. OUCH. now im really incensed, and he starts to make a phone call to THE POLICE. i had no idea what to do, so in the spur of the moment, i ran to where my parents' balcony was, and locked myself out. on a two storey floor. i really was going to jump over the edge, but then my dad said i could go afterall. HAHAHAH the power of suicide attempts. NAH. i was in the corner of the balcony, looking wistfully at the ground, and wanting ot jump ... and fly and glide to the ground. so i went tutoring and had a blah day when i came back home at 8 o'clock. okay, this is getting too long and it must be boring you, so goodnight! (note: it is 1:30 in the morning as i write this - im addicted to this blog, its unhealthily healthy) xoxo anna~ so much has happened.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010 @ 00:44 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
yes so much has happened since yesterday. violence. refusal. crying. screaming. a want for control. loss.that made me so ecstatically happy (though i couldn't show it). However, the doctors were really pestering me about the counseling, which apparently i have to go once per week but lately, I've been skipping all that since I DO NOT WANT TO RECOVER. from my point of view, there is NOTHING to recover from. i am FINE, NORMAL, and have even got the fat to prove it. Straight after the appointment was lunch, and since i got really upset that i have to see those "doctors" again next week, i didn't have an appetite AT ALL. Also, my mum was going to buy me a sushi box from the sushi bar, but not the regular sized one. she said," if you want to go dancing (i go dancing on Tuesdays and on Saturdays, as well as volunteering on Fridays, tutoring on Wednesdays, and piano and guitar lessons on Wednesdays and Thursdays), then you HAVE to have the LARGE sushi box. " That was so unfair, considering for herself, she got the REGULAR sushi box. There was NO WAY IN HELL was i gonna eat the LARGE sushi box (that had HEAPS of fish - salmon and tuna and prawns and yeah ... ). So my mum and i had a furious undertone fight in the middle of the shopping center. my dad showed up after parking the car, and i STILL refused to buy it. Since the appointment was at the hospital, we went to the local shopping center, and he then ACTUALLY drove back to the hospital, claiming that i MUST go back seeing that I'm not gonna eat my lunch. There were many frantic attempts by me to stop the car going to the hospital, and that made him even angrier. OOPS. wrong move, anna. The funny thing was, that he kept saying, "This isn't Anna talking. It is someone else talking". I just said, "How can it? I am Anna, and Ana is me." :) there was absolutely no difference in how i pronounced both "anna" and "ana" :D We pulled up in front of the hospital. I'd thrown a major tantrum, and declared "if you send me back there, you will kill me again." I'm not sure what kind of impression that made on my parents, but we spent half an hour arguing about my lunch. There was a lot of food (sushi!) thrown around in the car. It was absolutely horrifyingly humiliating to me. A few of the people from the hospital (in some cancer treatment center) asked if everything was okay, and my stupid parents shouted for the world to hear, "i need help. she's got an eating disorder, and nothing is going right". STILL more arguing. In the end, i didn't go to dance, and i didn't eat my lunch. I am hoping not to eat my dinner either. i am just so not in the mood to. ________________________________________________________________________ Intake: Breakfast: a bit over 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30) Lunch: - Dinner: *hoping for nothing Outtake: shouting, screaming, crying for two hours *will do crunches and sit ups later 50 thigh lifts in the shower :) yeah it has been a really crappy day. i don't want food. *UPDATE - total for today Intake: Breakfast: a bit over 1/4 bowl of oatmeal (30) Lunch: - Dinner: damn mum - blackmailed me into eating 1/3 of rice (80), one carrot (20), and one piece of cauliflower (5), and a tiny piece of fish which i spat out (20) TOTAL: 155 cals Outtake: shouting, screaming, crying for two hours *will do crunches and sit ups later 50 thigh lifts in the shower :) currently doing more thigh lifts will probably have neg cals today. :) xoxo. stay young, strong, and beautiful anna~ meat vs. rice
Monday, 13 September 2010 @ 05:13 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
Intake:Breakfast: 1/2 bowl oatmeal (50) Lunch: 1/2 of my rice (100), 3 prawns(20) Dinner: all of my rice (200), 2 tomatoes (20). Total: 390 also, chinese herbal tea = 50? just overshooting, to be safe. Total: 440 Outtake: 11842 steps recorded on my "walk mate" pedometer (on my phone) = 1&1/2 hrs = 250 cals(roughly) situps and crunches = 80 cals yes tommorrow, i have to see the stupid doctors - the ones who force-fed me through the NG, and forbade me to do ANY exercise. but i dont give a damn about the exercise. when/if i feel tired from it, THEN i'll stop exercising. but i am never tired from it; as i have WAY too much energy (read: fat) in my body to be tired from a thing such as exercise. and as i have stated in my last post, i had the courage to go to my friend's house and weigh myself there. as soon as i got on, i was plagued with fears that the number has gone up dramatically, since two weeks ago. well... whaddaya know. it hasnt. it hasn't gone up OR down.... im such a lazybum. in two weeks, i expect to see changes!!! take, a month ago, before i met you lovely readers, i was loosing about 2kg in 3 weeks ... which isn't great, but it was SOMETHING. and now, nothing happened. damn now im too scared to boost my metabolism (as in, eat more food, since i'll know my mum will just say, "oh, if you could eat that, then why didn't you?". it's because i didn't want to, bitch.). BUT my plan of action from tommorow (depending on the results) is to definitely up the strength of the exercises, and try to restrict more - if i can get away with it. Also, i must drink more green tea ... i'm kinda hoping that my plateau in weight has something to do with me not going to the toilet so often...coz one time, i gained like 300g, and i full-on freaked out. i was so scared that the next week, i lost like 1.5kg. THEN those bitches-who-call-themselves-doctors said it might be from the fact that i haven't done number #2's so often ... my reaction? " ..." (i still need to lose MORE weight!) today. i cheated my way to have half of lunch - when the supervisor wasn't looking, i just plopped my lunch back into my schoolbag, where she won't check, instead of my lunchbox. i COULD have gotten away with one, but i wanted to make tommorrow's judgement day a little bit better. and now i really regret it. dinner was so hard. it was either, finish all the meat, or finish the rice. well, in my family, rice is our staple food, and since i HAD to have some rice anyway, i opted to finish the rice. it wasn't THAT much, but i felt disgustingly bloated and fat afterwards - to me, rice is a food that expands within you, where it doesnt feel too bad going down, but afterwards, it feels terrible - and it was too late to go out to rollerblade or skipping rope. eugh. now i have carb overload. im guessing this is also why my weight was so high. at least, my walfare teacher suggested that i have salad for lunch instead of rice :) she's going to make that suggestion to my mum, since my mum doesn't listen to my food choices. i TOLD her (my mum) that i didn't want so much rice, and she complied, but it was only like two spoonfuls ... WTH? i meant like i didn't want half of it, and just give me vegetables. im veggie-deprived. and carb overloaded. anyways, wish me luck, and hope you girls are doing much better than me!! be thin. be ethereal. be waif-like. xoxo. anna~ i'm such a lard-ass.
@ 02:38 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
what is wrong with me? i KNOW tomorrow's DOOM day (the day i have to see those horrid doctors at the hospital) but what i do is just keep eating! its not TECHNICALLY a binge, but it certainly feels like a bingeful two weeks since i saw them last. i HAVEN'T missed many meals. i KNOW that my weight has stayed the same, or even gone up since two weeks ago, as my friend's house's scales read 43kg. i'm so hoping its less than that, but who knowsstuffed.
Sunday, 12 September 2010 @ 02:41 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
i hate dinner. i hate lunch. i hate breakfast.and i hate my mum for forcing me to finish everything. Intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: 3/4 of rice (150), 5 prawns (25) Dinner: 3/4 of rice (150), two slices of tofu (100) Total: 425 Outtake: 2 hours of ice-skating (450) 1 hour of walking (150) Crunches and sit ups (80) Total: 680 Net Total: -255. yes yes today i went ice skating. it was super fun, though it was really cold at the rink. It never snows in Sydney, so i had to go to an ice skating rink nearby. I just made sure to skate my butt off whilst in there; it was hard to, since there were so many people. i just lapped it about 50 times, i reckon. i just had dinner with my fam, and I'm so fucking bloated. the sheer amount of rice my mum forces into me! i wonder if she's heard of carb overload. No wonder I'm not losing any weight. (actually i don't know that fact, since I'm banned from the scales and the wiifit.) but i definitely feel much much fatter than last week when i was skipping meals heaps. good news though. when i breathe in, i can totally see my ribs; i think yesterday, i could count 3 or 4 on each side (but only when i breathe in - i can see them). my stomach is remaining flat, and now i can fit into my size 7 jeans (which can be pulled up and down without undoing the buttons, and it was altered so it was smaller at the waist) - i think its around a size 0-2 in U.S. my jeans' retailer sizes weirdly.  anyhoo, i'll post again tomorrow. xoxo, stay strong. be strong. be beautiful. (unlike me.) anna~ history: part two
@ 01:26 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
year 7. age:12-13a new beginning yet again...but this time, it was a new beginning for everyone. i went to an all-girls selective school, in the local-ish area (it took about 1/2 hour to get there from my house by train - it was 3 stops away). i made new friends quickly, but again, in the second semester, things began to fall apart. one of my so-called friends accused me of "copying" her - her style, her taste in music, how i talked - it was terrible. it was one minute we were best friends, the next we were sworn enemies. we never really made up since then (though we did get back together numerous times).. i didnt care. i was respected, and i respected others too. my eating was very normal, as throughout the year, i only threw out my lunch about 5 times in total. however i never lost or gained any weight. year 8. age:13 this was the year i was officially diagnosed with anorexia, and the year that was the worst, so far. after my major falling-out (again!) with my best friend, i started throwing away my lunch again. in april, i watched a really gross film on genetically modified animals, and i got really freaked out that all animals were genetically modified in some way. this resulted in me becoming a vegetarian (i couldnt cut out milk coz i still "needed" it to grow), until my hospitalisation in august. the months after april flew by, just i didnt have meat. then in august, i became sick. i had stomach cramps, bloating, and for some reason, a big lump in my throat. i didn't know what i had, and probably never will, but i gradually lost my appetite. i still went to school though, as i believed one day without school would be the death of me. a golden opportunity struck at school. my music class was offered to sing at the sydney opera house, as part of a mass choir. the day i was due to perform was a monday. i had binged on two packets of biscuits on the weekend and felt terrible, so on monday, i had nothing to eat, as punishment. my music class and i was due to go to "pancakes on the rocks" for dinner, but i felt sick eating all the greasy food, so i ate nothing there. no one really cared too much, as i had said i had a big lunch. the rest of the week, on tuesday, wednesday and thursday, in total, i only ate 4 strawberries and one small piece of watermelon, as it was still part of my punishment. i refused all food, except fruit. on thursday night, it was disaster. i was hospitalised. My heart rate was in the 30's, and my bmi was 13.75 *EDIT At first i wanted to "recover", but i had never realised my eating habits weren't normal. i also didnt realise the sheer amount of food they place in front of you as you have "meal plans". i stayd in hospital for 5 weeks, eating a HUGE amount of calories per day ( i didnt count - i knew nothing of caloric values, but i DID write it down on my second admission). but here is meal plan 7 - the biggest, most disgusting thing ever. Breakfast (8:00am):
Morning Tea (10:30am):
Lunch (12:15pm)
gross. i almost puked from writing all that crap. AND thats not even counting the fortisips!!! in the end, i had to have one fortisip per day, so thats like +300. fuck i hated it. but that was only for one week, out of the five i was in there for. i know if i had that much at the beginning, my body would reject it completely. in the beginning, i only had about a quarter of that, and that usually was too much even. This doesnt even count the over-night feeds~the ED patients all had to have overnight feeds through the NG for about 2 weeks at the beginning. so horrible. this isn't to scare you or anything, but thats what it was like for me, in the CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. and with the worst doctor on EARTH. as a side note, she is STILL my doctor; and i fucking hate it. i never listen to her now. thats a long post so far. i'll update on my day before posting the next part. lousy.
Saturday, 11 September 2010 @ 06:52 | 2 comment(s) | add a comment.
what a craptastic day.Intake: Breakfast: - Lunch: lima beans (44), rice (150 - mum made me finish it) Dinner:missed rice (120 - threw away 1/4 coz was stuffed from prawns), prawns (50) Total: about 360 also, about one litre of water, and one cup of chinese herbal tea (50? to be safe) Outtake: - 3 hours of non stop walking and shopping - 700 - situps and crunches (80) Total: 780 Net total: -420 :) it was a lousy day. i slept until lunch time, when my mum forced me to have my lunch. and then i went to the city to see my chinese herbalist. this herbalist was apparently supposed to cure my ED, though i dont see how herbs can change how a person feels about their body. ANYWAY, i had to have more herbal tea, which he supplied the herbs to. this was apparently so i didnt have to go see the other doctor in the outpatient clinic anymore. BUT i still have to go see them this week, on tuesday. i am dreading this day. the doctors in the outpatient clinic are RUBBISH. and that spells disaster for me. they just try to guilt-trip you into eating, and when they weigh you, you have to take off all your clothes. you only wear a hospital gown when you get weighed. i seriously hate it so bad, they are many times when i wanted to punch their brains out. me and my mum had a mega shopping spree whilst in the city, and i bought a new jacket, and two new pairs of shoes :). last week i also bought 3 new skirts and a new shirt. if i dont feel too hideous, i'll post some pictures of me in my new clothes a bit later. xoxo, stay beautiful. anna~ PS: i'll also post part two of my history tommorrow, which is about my high school years up til now. history: part one
@ 06:41 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
right. i figured its about time you lovely readers had a look into my history;i was always a bit icky with food. even as a little girl, i loved my raw food. there are some things which i would only eat raw, like celery and cucumber. i was classified as the "tall" and "skinny" one, as i went through school. the best time for me was year 4 (i was 10 years old). i was tall, thin and popular. i would throw away my sandwich for lunch without a care in the world. no one said anything about it THEN. that all changed when i moved house. i moved to the next suburb, and with that, to the new school. i had never moved house before then, and to say it was a rather emotional event would be an understatement. i BEGGED not to go; but the move was inevitable, and my fam (my sis, mum and dad and i) now lived in a one-storey, old, leaking house. that year was my undoing, in year 5. i would hide food, and later binge on it. all the chocolate in the house would be devoured in one week, and sometimes, i could finish one 250g slab of chocolate over two afternoons. ARGH. today, i think back, and am disgusted with my emotional eating habits at the age of 11. however, it didnt last (about 3 months in total), and i went back to throwing away my lunches. i couldn't return to my former weight though.i was placed into the "dumb" class at my new school, just because i was new, though class-sorting was all about chance (or so i thought, as it turned out my classmates were really, really dumb). year 6 at the age of 12 was good. i had settled in and my house was gorgeously new - it was a two-storey, sparkling-new, the-best-on-the-street kind of house (the purpose of moving into the old house was becoz my fam wanted to renovate it completely). i got put into the "smart" class at school, and was fast attracting attention from the boys. i was talked about, but only in the good way - "ooh, do you think she likes HIM?", "oh, she MUST like him" ... you get the point. i never had that kind of attention before. it was also the year that i took my selective test for year 7, well, for high school. i surprised both my parents' expectations by doing exceptionally good,as i had surpassed the choices they had put down for me. however, i had no choice but to go to the best of the four choices. year 6 formal dance came and went. Lucky for me, my crush invited me to be his dance partner. *swoon* he was tall, athletic AND smart, not to mention handsome. nowadays, i still talk to him on msn, but he now goes to a different school. i wasnt as thin as before, but i had accepted my body, at that point. my history: part two will continue tommorow, as my mum is telling me to go to bed as it is nearly midnight. you are so tiny...
Friday, 10 September 2010 @ 07:20 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
what a cheat i am. and thats in the good way.Intake: Breakfast: 1/2 bowl oatmeal (50) Lunch: 1/4 of rice (25), 3 strawberries (7), strip of cucumber (raw - 2), strip of carrot (raw - 1) Dinner: 3/4 of rice (80), small tofu slice (50) Total: 220 (about) Outtake: 80 crunches and 80 situps = half hour(80) 2-3 hours walking (350-400) Total: 430~ and all the jazz about standing all the time, and school work. literally worked my brain off today, trying to memorise romeo and juliet. so, how i got off so easily at lunch. well, my mum decided to drop off my lunch so i could be supervised by the head teacher of welfare, instead of her since she was busy. the head teacher welfare obviously knew about my ED, but she was encouraging me to have all the low cal stuff first :). anyway, about halfway through, she had to leave her office to get something (an envelope?) and then i snuck 1/4 of my lunch into my baggie - to chuck away- before she could return. then, i accidently-on-purpose knocked over the remaining lunch, and it was all over the carpet. not a pretty sight, but its better than having that POISON in my body. Head teacher came in, saw it, and asked how. i just made up some shit about getting my tissue and it just fell from my lap onto the floor. it worked fine, and then she made me have less than 1/4 of what was left. so i think i only ate about 1/6 of it altogether? and then after school i had to go volunteer at a nursing home, so i went there with some friends (A and L). but before that, we went maccas. i wasnt tempted by ANYTHING on the menu (thats pretty normal for me). but my friends tried to make me have some chip - GROSS. the nursing home was about 30 mins walk (fast walk) from our school, but it was in renovation mode, so we ended up walking the way back to my friend L's house which is like 10 minutes from school, so thats like total of 30+30+10= 1 hour 10 minutes. so thats a really good walk today, especially compared to how my exercise has been going over the past week. me and L and A ended up talking about body shapes and weight, and obviously i stayed pretty quiet about it, but they knew i had an ED (seriously everyone in my year seems to know), and they said "you're so tiny. i knew you were small, but i never knew you were THAT tiny". that made my day today. all in all, this week has been crap. except for today, and wednesday. LOL. but its so true.
@ 04:06 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
personality tests by similarminds.com i have a feeling i'm more narcissistic than THAT. i think about how much fat i still have to lose from my flabby body. should i go to the SGD?
Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 05:12 | 1 comment(s) | add a comment.
i'm wondering to fixate on this new diet: the SGD, or skinny girl diet.that way, i can be more certain on my limit; even though my limit's 500, it seems a bit too high lately.  xoxo. think thin. think beautiful anna~ holy shit.
@ 05:07 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
my metabolism is totally dead.and i just realised.>< Intake: Breakfast: 1/2 bowl oatmeal (50) Lunch: 1 thin strip carrot (1), 1 stick cucumber (1), rice(100) , shrimp (30) and 2 strawberries (8) Dinner: lima beans (50), rice (100) TOTAL 340? i thought rice was more than that? but then again, it was wrapped sushi-like. Outtake: this is real shitty, but today it was raining, so yeahh...i know thats no excuse, but i was FORBIDDEN. -walking (230) - rushing to get home (90) - school (400) + my basal metabolic rate is something like, 1282 per day. but the problem is, with all the junk listed above that i've eaten today, i'm not going to lose any weight. i probably put on. but then again, i HAVE to at least maintain my weight this week when i go to see the doctors on tuesday; FUCK them. and here is my rant: FUCK the doctors; THEY don't know ANYTHING about my background, or how i was ALWAYS underweight, and putting me above 45kg (*faints at huge number*) is RISKY for my emotional health!!! even above 43kg will cause me to have meltdowns, as i have demonstrated in the past ... more on that later. BUT yes, they just HAVE to make my goal weight some ridculously high 45kg (at least!?!?!? coz thats the LOWEST "healthy" weight). i'm so close to that HUGE amount, and they STILL wont allow me to do school sport?!?!? thats is so fucking unfair. but i AM doing sport, at least outside of school, but it won't give me the boost i need to get to my UGW. and somehow, on top of all that, i need to hide this from EVERYONE. my parents, my "friends", and most definitely the DOCTORS. but how will i do that? i honestly have no idea. at the doctors' weigh in, i'm only dressed in one of those horribly thin hospital gowns, and i also get bladder-scanned after that. so how would i hide the fact that i could be losing? the lower weight i go, there is more chance of readmittance, and more chance i won't even be allowed to go to school :( Note: i've been water-loading these past few times, but it didn't seem to have helped, as i still lost ::) *silently congratulate myself on progress to UGW* however, it signifies i still have a whole lot to lose, and i can't do that with everyone breathing down my neck all the time. ARGHHHHH!!!! kill me already. wish right now.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 06:04 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
for i am forever broken. there is no light in my life. Ana will stay with me forever; as being with ana is a life changing experience i will never forget. good days and bad, she will be in my heart. anyway, enough of the randoms. i think intake was quite good. outtake? FAIL. see for yourselves. Intake: Breakfast: 1/2 oatmeal -threw the rest on the counter :) Lunch: one carrot Dinner: 3/4 prawn.sushi with lettuce, and peas? Outtake: 15mins situp/crunches 10 mins skipping like, 1 1/2 hours of raging at mum. O_O LOL. but all in all, outtake sucked shit. Intake was good, LOL. thats how my rage started. and then i had to miss maths class AGAIN. meh. i dont care about maths. MATHS IS EASY. and we're doing quadratics. EWWWW. Note you should know about me: i absolutely LOVE The Veronicas! They are my thinspiration! They are my height :) They also weigh bout the same as me, but they are all grown up, and i know i can't keep this weight like this forever. i bet someday, i'll be like f*** this, and binge my head off. so here is my thinspo:          hell no!
Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 04:57 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
stayed at home again today; i fail. stupid mum, not letting me go to school when she KNOWS its the only thing that keeps me sane. Intake:Breakfast: 1/2 bowl oatmeal Lunch: 3/4 sushi, carrot Dinner: 1/2 sushi, lettuce  Total: WTF!!! how can fatsecret.com say its 274 cals? i reckoned more than 400!!!! meh. i'll average it to ... 350-ish? even that seems too less compared to how much i ate today :( Outtake: 45 mins hip hop 45 walking around the shopping centre 30 mins skipping :) 15 mins situp/crunchs Total: for some reason fatsecret.com says 1688. Including sleeping and such. but thats so totally inaccurate. MEH. dont mind me. not having a fantastical day. i blew up at mother for not letting me go to school. but it sort of was expected since i didnt have dinner last night. STILL, i mean, the past stays in the past, and then i hate it how she tries to guit-trip me. its plain stupid, and im not falling for THAT again. last time i did that, and TRUSTED my dad, i gained like 4 kgs, all for nothing. so now, i'm determind to lose it all, and even more; xoxo. Stay beautiful. anna~ spring cleaning;
Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 06:16 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
How has today being? Let's check my intake, shall we?Breakfast: Oatmeal (100) Lunch: 4 pieces of prawn sushi (145) Dinner: - Snacks: - Drinks: at least one litre of water + chinese herbal tea (50?) Exercise: 10 minutes skipping (sneakily) - 80 50 crunches - 40? 50 situps - 40? Walked around for about 1/2 hour - 70 Spring Cleaning! for like, 4 hours :) - 450 According to fatsecret.com, (on top of sleeping and such...) my intake was 242, and i burnt 1838 cals :). So net total was: -1596 this is one of the only good days in terms of intake; i haven't had the chance to skip a meal since the Tournament Of Minds program at school (where i could skip lunch) so YAY!!! i didn't go to school today as i wanted to make the most out of the exercise time, but obviously that failed, under the watchful eye of my mother. The most i could do was skipping, as she knows about the ED. Missing dinner was easy to do, but hard to pull off, as i had no excuses on the spot. i just didn't want it - but then again, when do i ever WANT it? i havn't skipped dinner since last august, when i fasted for 10 days, and gave no reason to. O.o but i am happy to go to bed on an empty stomach now :) Giving in and having ALL the sushi at lunch today stuffed everything up; so i still deem myself not worthy, and tonight i am pinishing myself to sleep on the floor. I have done it in the past, and lying on the hard wooden floor, trying to get comfortable isn't easy. But hey, somehow i did it before, and i actually got to sleep! Tommorow. My resolution for tommorrow is: MUST walk to school; and back. MUST workout at dance (hip hop) class extra hard TRY to fit in more skipping TRY to skip a meal (this will nearly be impossible tommorrow) MUST punish self if cannot do the aforementioned things. So, good night, everyone! (or, good night, no one!) xoxo, anna~ not too bad.
Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 06:34 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
 my goal everyday is under 500 calories per day. At the moment, i am forced to have 3 meals per day, though at school i try to avoid having lunch. However, since today is Saturday, three meals is the way to go :( Breakfast: none Lunch: one bowl of salad, and one raw carrot (100~) Dinner: 4 pieces of prawn sushi (400~) Drinks/Other: one cup of chinese herbal tea, and heaps of water.and 8 laxies :) since its on my doctor's orders. [technically, its 1-2 tablets, 3 times per day, but oh wells :)] TOTAL: 500~ Exercise: 60 situps; I couldn't do much around the house. But i stood around ALL DAY; and when i did sit, i sat on the exercise ball :) Just so you lovely readers know, i LIVE on sushi ... it is my staple food, somehow i get away with it, even though its quite low cal, compared with chinese food that my mum cooks :D My life, in a survey.
@ 05:58 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
I AM…[x] anorexic [ ] ednos [ ] bulimic [ ] living off diet pills [ ] hungry [ ] thirsty [ ] drinking something [x] Under 100lbs [x] starving yourself [ ] participating in a fast PEOPLE… [ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic [ ] call me fat [x] say I’m skinny [ ] say I’m ugly [ ] say I’m pretty [ ] spread rumors about me [x] force me to eat [ ] say I eat too much [x ] wish I’d eat more [ ] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos I WISH… [x] I was THIN [x] I had a better body [x] I didn’t have to eat [x] I could control myself [x] I was under 110lbs [x] I could avoid food [x] I could hide what I am [x] I wasn’t fat [x] I was pretty [ ] I could stop being ana/mia I LOVE… [x] feeling hungry [x] seeing a difference when fasting [ ] shaking [ ] being weak [x] losing weight [x] being anorexic [ ] green tea [ ] diet pills [x] being able to turn down food [x] feeling good about myself APPEARANCE… [x] I am shorter than 5′4. I am 5'2" [x] I think I’m ugly ALL THE TIME [ ] I have many scars [x] I tan easily [ ] I wish my hair was a different color [ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color [ ] I have a tattoo [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance [ ] I had braces [x] I wear glasses [x] I wear contacts [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free [ ] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger [ ] I have more than 2 piercings [ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears [ ] I have freckles FAMILY… [x] I’ve sworn at my parents [x] I’ve run away from home [x] I’ve been kicked out of the house [x] My biological parents are together [x] I have a sibling [x] I want to have kids someday [ ] I’ve had children [ ] I’ve lost a child EMBARRASSMENT… [x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation [ ] Disney movies still make me cry [x] I’ve peed from laughing [x] I’ve snorted while laughing [x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried [ ] I’ve glued my hand to something [ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose [ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public RELATIONSHIPS… [x] I’m single [ ] I’m in a relationship [ ] I’m engaged [ ] I’m married [ ] I’ve gone on a blind date [ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper [x] I miss someone right now [x] I have a fear of abandonment [ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship [ ] I’ve gotten divorced [x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back [ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t [ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did [x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship SEXUALITY… [ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex [ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher [x] I am a cuddler [ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain [ ] I’ve hugged a stranger [ ] I have kissed a stranger HONESTY… [x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t [x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t [ ] I’ve snuck out of my house [x] I have lied to my parents about where I am [x] I am keeping a secret from the world [ ] I’ve cheated while playing a game [x] I’ve cheated on a test [ ] I’ve been suspended from school BAD TIMES… [ ] I’ve consumed alcohol [ ] I drink regularly [ ] I can’t swallow pills [x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem [ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression [x] I shut others out when I’m upset [ ] I take anti-depressants [x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS. [ ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it [ ] I’ve hurt myself on purpose [ ] I’m addicted/ have been addicted to self harm [x] I’ve woken up crying [x] I’ve lost weight [x] I’ve gained weight [x] My weight holds me back [x] Weight consumes me. [ ] I’m at my thinnest [ ] I’m at my biggest [x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off [x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back [x] My weight affects my mood [ ] I weigh myself daily [x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me [x] I thrive on compliments [x] I feel bigger than people who are my size [x] I feel happy when I’m hungry [x] I get depressed after I eat [x] I’ve skipped a meal [x] I’ve thrown food away [x] I’ve spit food out [x] I’ve fasted [ ] I’ve taken diet pills [x] I’ve used laxatives [ ] I’ve purged [ ] Bulimia [x] Orthorexia [ ] Over-exercising [ ] Binge eating [x] I exercise [x] I exercise so I can eat [x] I work out secretly [x] I work out daily [x] I exercise to counteract eating [ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion I’VE DONE… [ ] Weed [ ] Cigarettes [ ] Alcohol [ ] Diet pills [ ] Pain killers [ ] Anti-depressants [ ] Ecstasy [ ] LSD [ ] Mushrooms [ ] Speed [ ] Cocaine <>OTHER QUESTIONS [x] I keep my eating habits a secret [x] I have an ED blog [x] I look at thinspo [x] I collect thinspo [x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites [x] I count calories [x] I’ve had negative intake days [x] I avoid food [x] I hate food [ ] I love food, it’s a love/hate relationship [x] I want to be this way [ ] I don’t want to be like this [x] I wish I could have more control [x] Being thin is my top priority [x] I don’t want to get better [x] I am in treatment [x] I’m doing this for me [ ] I’m doing this for someone [x] I’m doing this to prove myself first post
@ 05:51 | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
 hello hello. this is my first blog, though i had some experience with html (courtesy of school). i hope you bear with me as i tell my story of woe.I am a 157cm Asian-Australian who has :disordered eating". I will not comment on that. I have been diagnosed with anorexia, and have been hospitalised twice, but this time i WILL NOT be found out. i WILL go back to my "perfect" weight, and undo all this damage that the doctors have put on my already pudgy body. I am a perfectionist, and at school, i will stop at nothing to get the best work possible. This also applies to how I feel about myself too; therefore, i will do anything to get closer to "perfection". Remember: "Thin has a taste all its own." XOXO, anna~ |
